Is the time ever really right? You're in a relationship (and this pertains to both men AND women), you're of a certain age and you've been dating your mate for about three years. Most outsiders looking in may start to apply the pressure: "What are you waiting for?", "When are you getting married?", etc.My friends and I have agreed to disagree on this topic based on two different scenarios:
Scenario #1: Both of you are working professionals. You're in a serious relationship yet both of you are working towards one common goal at the moment: to get married and be able to supply for a family. Particularly the man in this relationship; Let's say he wants to have his debt-to-income ratio under wraps, finished with school and saving enough funds to purchase a home to house his future wife, child and dog. The woman in this relationship is in agreeance with her man; she wants everything to be lined up as close to perfect as possible before taking those vows.
Scenario #2: Order? What order?! You love each other and that's all that matters! The two of you will plan your wedding accordingly with what you DO have and make it work (honeymoon or not). What's the point in waiting? Things can never be perfect and you're in this together; What better time than the present?
Both scenarios actually make perfect sense to me. It all depends on the person- I'm a Virgo, which often relates to being a perfectionist. So is my better half. We'd both prefer to have our "homes in order" before making any major moves.
What are your feelings?
14 comments:
Great topic. Yu virgos are so analytical. It's interesting to note that a Therapist said tha the worst reason people can get married is for love.lol, I think that once my career is in order,I'll be able to make the marriage decision.
I'm a Virgo too. I've been dating my BF for almost 4 years now. I'm sure he's "the one" but I'm too young (23) and neither of us are established yet. I want everything to be perfect and I'm waiting. That's just me. I have a plan and I plan on sticking to it
I feel to each its own. I'd also prefer for my mate and I to have all of our stuff together, financially, career-wise, spiritually...all of that.
GREAT topic!!! I'm similar to Wes, that everyone should do it how ever they want to do it. As for me I'm similar to you Wes, I'd like to have everything in order and just because you are 'in love' and it's been X amount of years should you marry, I think it takes more than that. As for me personally my boyfriend is a Virgo and it's freaky b/c Scenario 1 is the one that he's mentioned to me almost verbatim LOL. The important thing is that I am enjoying the present and we speak of a 'future' and I'm okay with that. When the time is right and we are both ready it will happen - if it's meant to be.
me and the hubby are going on our 3 year mark and we're definitely number 1...i'm always the one quoting the debt to income ratio line, lol
I like the idea of having things in order first. But if you want to be together forever you dont need a ceremony to do it.
Had I only knew what I know now... My husband and I are going on 9 years or marriage bliss (Married at 20), and it was all for love. We met, dated for 9 months were engaged and married within 1 year. Now we are working out all the real kinks. Saving for our kids future, saving for a larger home...But we have learned that this marriage has to be more than just love, we are a corporation, sometimes business is good, sometimes it can be better, but we plan to never let it fail... No Bailouts Here! But to each it's own, I am a Scorpio and dedicated to my family, then my career. I reget nothing.
Great Topic Wes!
Well you know my stance on it!!! I am a true believer of "Doing bad all by myself" With that said I'd have to agree w/ point #1... I've spoken to a few newly weds about it. Many that did it for reason #2 and said we'll work on the rest as time progresses. they are having problems in their marriage now. Not everyone is on the same page. There were things and view point that popped up once the ‘kinks’ were worked out… yeah working out one kink brought on others. And it's been a struggle for them since. Isn't it true that most relationship end in divorce or break ups b/c people don’t have there stuff together? I’m good, Sticking with point #1.
Check out our take on it from episode #8…http://www.suiteoctober.com
I feel as though if you're in love, you know your s.o. is "the one" and you want to be with that person for the rest of your life, then there is no need in waiting for marriage. There will always be a "situation" that will prohibit your relationship from being close to perfect..trust!
Wow! This is a BIG and juicy topic. I am married for 5 years. We dated for 7 years before getting married and NEVER lived together. We weren't ready to get married. I was 20 when we met and was too young to get married. We were comitted, so it wasn't about sowing wild oats. I was just about developing the maturity to be a wife/husband. That said, I totally understand the perspective of getting yourself together and waiting for the "right" moment. But thats a thin line to tread..because things will NEVER be perfect. Marriage gives you more of everything. More of the things you love and more of the things you'd want less of. It is FOOLISH of any person to enter into marriage without doing pre-marital counseling. It'll save you a lot of pain later if you hash out some stuff sooner rather than later. By counseling, I don't mean necessarily your pastor, b/c sometimes there are personal things that you need to share with a trained counselor. So find a person that you're both comfortable with but do NOT enter into a marriage without seeing a counselor.
I digress...if you're getting your life together before getting married, do so separately. Don't live together in a pseudo marriage without legalizing the union. Rationale: If the common-law relationship works long term but if the relationship doesn't make it, the break up is more devasting emotionally and financially, since you now have to learn to live on 1 income and can't demand spousal support, etc. If he's good enough to live with then marry the guy, you're already entering into all the other benefits and responsibilities of marriage.
While I'm on the subject...I think that there should be a private marriage ceremony weeks, if not months before the wedding. This way, the fan fare of the wedding doesn't overshadow the seriousness of the marriage.
I really feel that its more important to be stable in each persons maturity. I think the point of being together is growing together so I see no need to wait til your at that perfect $ point. However I think many men who say they are waiting to be more stable are lying. I think half the time there are bigger issues at hand. I think the most important issue is to have your $ plan laid out with your man, not to necessarly have it perfect. In times like these I would hold on to love cuz $ won't be right for a long time now.
I think it's all about being sound mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially as individuals before you even think about becoming serious with someone...let alone participating as someone's life partner.
I also believe in being equally yolked. Not to say you have to have similar pasts, for that doesn't dictate anything, but you need to share similar futures (i.e. working, wanting children, how to manage your family, how to invest your money, family values, etc.).
Marriage takes more than just love.
if you know you want to be with someone the rest of your life why wait. If you wait until your money is right, when will it ever be right???
We wait so we can get everything together, well isn't that what your mate is for? you're supposed to help each other get things to gether.
I had to go through the " lets wait until we do this or that crap" and it's pointless because now he's realized that us living in two different houses is just not working for either of us to get ahead like we want versus being married and paying bills in one house.
Every reason you could think of from graduating to money all sounds like good reasons to wait but in the end they are all just excuses.
September 08 is our wedding date rain, sleet, snow, money issues or whatever thats the date and thats it.
As a married lady myself (i'm 28) I think my opinions are more in the middle of the two scenarios you presented. While I believe that nothing will ever be "perfect", proper planning, getting career and finances lined up (or at least clearly defined for the both of you) is a great idea. You may not have EVERYTHING at the moment in terms of where you want to be financially or career-wise...but you are definitely in the midst of the process to making those things happen. There is something to be said about building your nest together but going into a marriage half-cocked and willy nilly because you love your significant other is not always the best idea. It can cause a lot of problems later on. Bottom line: make sure you and your significant other are equally yoked, have the same end goal in mind and are actively working to make it happen and you'll be fine.
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