Being that my family is so geographically spread out, I typically spend the holidays with my beau and his fam. However, we're from two different cultures- I'm American and he's from St. Lucia. I love the food, the music; yet there's something that gets me feeling a little apprehensive.Thanksgiving was great- I had a lovely Lucian holiday equipped with country-western music and Shandi (flavored malt liquor). Things were going well, conversations were being made and jokes were being told. Suddenly, I could no longer understand what was being said. Imagine a dining room filled with about fifteen people who all spoke creole. Then there's ME: The "non-speaker". It's an awkward feeling when everyone around you is laughing and you have no idea what they're laughing at! I didn't know what to do- Should I laugh? Should I sit still with a blank stare? Should I ask for a translation? While the whooping laughter continued to get louder with each new joke told, I grabbed my purse, whipped out my Blackberry and when all else fails, started Twittering.
Normally, I wouldn't have done such a thing. Since no one was paying attention to me anyways, I did what I felt was best and made ME feel comfortable at the moment. What would YOU have done? Have you been in that situation before? Christmas is only 14 days away, which means there will be more family gatherings to come. HELP!
26 comments:
My two cents:
I would have done the same thing, or got up and left.
Honestly, I think it's rude for everyone to exclude you from the conversations knowing you can't participate. There should have been an effort made to make the guest feel comfortable...
Just came back to add that I hope everything goes well during Christmas! : )
I woulda done the same thing too. They should have at least acknowledge u or make some attempt to include u. I hate being in situations like that...You mentioned creole as in Haiti creole too?
@Anonymous: Yes, it's very similar to Haitian creole.
That's unfortunate. But as a child of a Jamaican and an American, I have to say, when family gets together, it's easy to forget that someone new to the scene is in the room.
(I had Thanksgiving with my girl's family this year and became privy to all sorts of stuff. Lol.)
My dad (the American) has been with my mom for 23 years, and still finds himself trying to decipher what her family is saying at gatherings. He'll usually ask an uncle what the heck is going on, or just make a joke about being the "ugly American." I would have probably latched onto the BF or a friend aunt (there's always a friendly aunt) and employed one of them as my translator.
boyfriend needs to be the personal translator! good luck and hope all goes well! otherwise, play with the kiddies.. they don't require much talking and usually speak more english.
Ooooh. I've been there but on the other side. My husband is from the U.S of A and my family is from Jamaica. Since we've been together for almost 13 years, he now understands most of what we're saying and when he doesn't he'll ask or just ignore us and watch TV. I'd like to think that we're careful to "downplay" our patois so that it is not totally incomprehensible.
I'm so sorry about the discomfort. Next time, politely interrupt or walk away but definitely mention it to your beau. He has to establish to protocol that will make you most comfortable.
My two cents.
Mwen grangou! I learned Creole in college. The language isn't so pretty but since it ties in with French I often feel like I'm speaking 2 languages in one. ;)
I can't imagine going through something like that....wait, I have. I spent birthday parties with one of my best friends who is Japanese. It was difficult trying to "get into the convo" with everyone when they spoke a different language. I really don't like that feeling. I think the person that has brought you should at least make the family/friends aware of you not knowing the language. And trinkle some English in there somewhere. It's only fair. My friend did this and it made me feel so much more comfortable. That's an idea!
hey chica,
most of my friends and my own family, i dont know what's going on! so i'm honestly used to tuning ppl out...it's kind of awkward at first, you need to find urself a buddy in the group who can either translate or who doesn't understand either...make ur bf the translater
Awww Wes! I have been in situations like that and it is extremely uncomfortable. I agree with Yummy your beau should play your translator when the convo becomes hot and heavy. Maybe let him know your discomfort beforehand, so he can inform the family to include you more...
HTH
I would have done the same thing!!! Then afterwards I probably would've asked my beau/friend/whoever what was being said and how I felt left out. I think its a good idea to suggest that they tie in a little bit of English so you won't be TOTALLy left out.
Hope Christmas dinner will be better!!
@Everyone: My bf definitely knows how I feel regarding the language barrier, usually one of his sisters will do a translation but he says that when its translated in english the joke isn't as funny.
Try learning his language.
You'll learn something new and also be able to connect more with your partner.
My husband goes through the same thing with my family. We are from the VI, so the patois and dialect is not as thick but when you add food and alchohol to the mix, it can get pretty hard to decipher what is being said. He normally asks for translation from somebody sitting close to him.
You can try getting your beau to teach you Creole as well.
Wow this takes me back. I AM in your shoes, so I know exactly what you mean. My husband is from St. Croix and his family from St. Lucia. So I've been in situations were they would speak Patwa (Patois) at gatherings and I am left standing there looking confused and dazed. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. However, they don't do it very often anymore but when they do, I always jokenly tell them, "hey no fair, speak english". That usually breaks the ice then they tell me what they are saying. Another thing I do is ask them to translate. Usually, they are happy to do so.
However, being almost a decade into the marriage-my advice, don't let it get to you. It's just one of the many "small" difference we face when joining lives with someone of another culture. Afterwhile, you will become so used to it that you will understand it or it won't even bother you.
Fyi, if you think family gatherings are bad, try spending 3 weeks in the Islands with the family. LOL!
Well my family is from Trinidad, and to an untrained ear understanding anything we say could sound like BLAH BLAH BLAH! My sister's fiance is American and he is often caught in that situation. We all get to talking, forget that it is hard for him to understand everything and then he is like "WHAT WAS THAT, ARE YOU STILL SPEAKNG ENGLISH?"
I mean speaking with an accent is nothing like speaking a different lanuage but what he does is just stop us mid sentence to fine tune everything we say because then it would be just leaving him out of the circle.
What I would have done in your situation was tell your boyfriend that it was making you uncomfortable, maybe he could have started talking in
english to bring everyone back to what you understand or maybe he could mention it to specific people to avoid that sort of akwardness the next time. I hope things pan out at the next gathering.
I had a similar experience. My boyfriend and I are at a Fertile Ground show. i had never heard of them or any of the opening acts either. In between the acts I took out my phone and started texting my friends. I made sure not to do it while anyone was on stage. When we got in the car he gave me an earful.
I knwo for a fact he only did that cause he's spoiled and not because it was rude. At some both parties have to come to a common ground.
I would have doen what you did.
Hey Wes, I'm sure that someone has already suggested this, but I've been in a similar situation. My BF is from Puerto Rico. I took spanish in high school and for part of college. Since I haven't had a conversation partner in so long, I am soooo rusty on my Spanish, but I am still able to understand.
What I suggest is that you and your sweetie take some "couple" time and he can help you learn, you don't need to learn word for word, but it'll make for a good conversation piece at Christmas.
Hope that helps some :)
Your guy should be there to translate and promote ways to include you into the conversations when things get like that. I can see how families can easily forget that there's a "non-speaker" present when they're surrounded by eachother but its your BF's job to make you feel comfie so he should translate or strike up a convo with you while the others are doing their thang. Hope all goes well. Happy Holidays!
that was a good move. I would have done the same.
Aww I am sorry you had to go through that mama.
Hey Wes - I can def understand your discomfort. I think you should do two things: 1. keep on top of your beau re: translating; 2. make him teach you the language.
I am Jamaican and, while our Patois is different from Lucian Creole, I know that Caribbean languages, in general, are very colorful. This is probably why your beau says that the jokes won't be as funny once translated - because they're probably colloquially rooted in folklore and history and such. But, if he took the time to explain the context to you, you would gradually be able to understand the family jokes. That background knowledge, coupled with a working vocabulary, would help you feel more relaxed and comfie.
I think you def need to reiterate and make him understand how important it is for you to feel included.
And, I'm guessing (based on the post) you prob have a bit of anx when it comes to these gatherings that makes you feel out of place before you even arrive. If you can manage to shake this feeling, it might help you feel free to jump in and ask for a translation. The fam already likes you anyway, so I'm sure they won't mind. If they love to joke around, you can prob tease them and they'll take it in good fun...Like someone said above, there's always a friendly aunty who would love to explain the culture (but may think you are uninterested since she prob doesn't know what convos go on behind the scenes btwn you and your beau).
Since it sounds like you're in it for the long-run w/your beau, I'd say keep on him about it and learn the language. And share your own stories too! It's the only way you'll really start to be at ease. Hope this helps...
I would suggest learning the language. Even if it's just little phrases here and there. Your boyfriend can be your teacher, you can also get some music, and watch a few movies in the language.
I don't think I would have got out the blackberry though.
Nice to find so many of my Caribbean (or part-Caribbean) sisters here! Shouts from a Trini!
I don't think going the Blackberry route is the best thing to do. Yes, it's rude of them, but I don't think it's done deliberately; once they're caught up in the excitement of being all together they probably forget that you don't understand.
Ask what's going on, make a joke about being the odd man out, keep on your guy to explain/include you. Find out how to say "I don't understand" or "What on earth are you talking about?" in their language. They'll appreciate that you're trying, and probably make more of an effort.
If you retreat they might interpret that as aloofness.
You guys are ALL great (I always say I have the BEST commenters!)... All of you have given wise advice and I thank you!
WHOA! This was Thanksgiving at my house last year. My brother brought his American gf over for dinner and my Haitian family forgot that she didn't understand. It's not that we're trying to be rude but when we all get together its kind of tough to remember that one person is there not understanding. but she was kind about it...even coming up to me to talk and I tried to let her know what was going on (tho I must admit jokes aren't as funny when translated). So my advice...1. seek out someone around your age to try to make convo with 2. try to learn the language, or even the basics, they'll appreciate that you're trying and maybe even consider that you don't understand (at least thats what my mom did) or 3. bug your bf till he translates everything lol
good luck with Christmas
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