As promised, Tuesday's featured question comes from one of your fellow (worried) readers:I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now (one year & eight months). On the surface, everything is great; I consider him to be one of my best friends even. We've got a lot of things in common, yet we're opposite: I'm extremely affectionate and he's NOT! I love to hug, kiss and hold hands (you know, the "girly" things) and he doesn't :-( ... However, once in awhile he'll surprise me with a hug or even a kiss maybe. Oh, and the "L" word? Never heard it. But, based on the things he does for me I know that he does (somewhere in that hard heart of his) really care about me.
The problem is, whenever I try to bring up this matter it usually ends in me crying and him yelling. It NEVER ends well. I try not to come at him in a confrontational matter, yet I do want him to understand that this IS a problem (without being a "nag"). I've gotten him to admit that it is a problem, yet he's not ready to face it. Now, here's where I need help, should I:
- Be patient, stay by his side (like a "good girlfriend"), not mention it and let him address the issue on his own time?
- Continue to press the issue, and (even though I'd hate to do it) offer up an ultimatum?
Signed,
Hope N. Love
13 comments:
wow that's rough...i think she needs to decide if this is what she wants moving forward...they look they've come to a cross roads in life and she needs to make a decision and give him an ultimatum...sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you realize you need to change
Hope N. Love-
I hate fighting without coming to any resolution! The next time that you guys talk about this situation, come in with a game plan. Have you guys talked about past relationships? Has he been in love before? If he hasn’t, what keeps him from falling? Or what is he afraid of? Could something in the past be keeping him from making that connection? How is he with his parents? What was their relationship like? I think that it is best to take your self out of the situation first and look at the whole view. If you don’t find your answer there…how long were his previous relationships? Is this a convenience? Does he want to get married? Unfortunately, if your life goals do not coincide, it will be a difficult road. Lastly, know what you really want and what you can compromise with. No ultimatums…do you want him to be “forced” to say what you want to hear?
PS This is coming from a non-married 25 year old.
Why are your only options, to be patient or to press the issue? You need to figure out what kind of LOVE you want for YOU. If you want to give and receive affection and he's not that type of person-then what are you fighting for? This problem isn't going to go away.
Sometimes you have to accept a man for who HE IS and if he's not giving you what you need (and you've spoken about what you want and deserve) and he still isn't giving it to you---then you've got to cut your losses.
You can't change a man! He can change if he really wants to but he already said he's not ready to discuss.
I say if you want more than a friendship then make it known. Closed mouths dont get FED! If you are complete with the way things are then dont say anything. If you feel you can continue living like this then just wait on him. But if you want more tell him. He can either run with it, or run away from it. You will know either way and then you make the decision.
Sometimes it's difficult to figure out what we want and why. Try reading Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. It says people usually show love the way they want to be loved - you show affection and also want affection. The book helps you figure out how to get love your way without what may appear to be nagging or pressing. I found it really helpful. There is also a website with a "love language" test. [I have no affiliation with Mr. Chapman or his books. :o))
I love the Gary Chapman book. Amazing rea! I'm sorry, but I don't think ou should ever give a man an ultimatium, believe me that only makes him resent you. I wonder why he's not affectionate? and does he have mother issues? Maybe she didn't show him love when he was growing up, and he doesn't know how to express it. I'm not sure what advice to give because I think i need to know more about the situation.
I know you said you talked with him before, but I would sit down with him and tell him what it is that you feel you need to remain in this relationship any longer. If he isn't willing to listen and give you what you need, bounce! And when I say bounce, I mean bounce...not be mean or anything about it...just do not give in to missing him or anything....let things be what they be. If he really does love you, he will come back....he will reach out to you....and this is coming from a married 31 year old.
Being of a certain age should inspire you NOT to settle for what is not making you happy.
Affection is a basic human need and if you are giving and not recieving then ask your self, WHY DOES that make any kind of sense?
Cut your losses at 31 versus 51. Settling for less than what you want is going to cause you misery. He is who he is and it is not working. Ask yourself if it makes much sense to continue to wear clothes that don't fit, continue to take medicine that makes you sick, continue to loan money to someone who does not pay you back?
Continue to be in a relationship that does not fit your needs? Affection is a deal breaker- period.
I recently went throught something similar...I was with a guy for 2 years I THOUGHT everything was okay..he wasn't UBER affectionate but every once and a while (like u) i'd get that kiss, hug, or I love you. Eventually it wasn't enough for me...I wanted something more..I felt as if I took our relationship so much more serious than he did (which became extrememly exhausting) Eventually we grew apart...Our phone calls turned into texts, long conversations via texts turned into "just checking on u", but what I can say is that it was because of ME. I didn't have a choice but to put my foot down b/c I realized I deserved so much more. Soon after I met someone that fell head over heels for me, and vice versa. He was able to do all things that I wanted PLUS some...guess who was ready to show his true feelings then? You already know...
Don't waste your time..It's rare that someone is able to find EVERYTHING they want in a man, but in certain situations we should never settle. Time only moves forward =)
I think everyone gave some GREAT advice!! This is something that "Hope" will have to contemplate on her own. I usually don't like to advise others on affairs of the heart because at the end of the day you ultimately have to do what YOU need to do for yourself. Whether that be a mistake in the making or a wise choice. Life is nothing but a big experiment; you live & you learn. What's good for me may not be good for someone else.
I really like Shelley's Gary Chapman idea (I might check that book out myself, lol), although EVERYONE offered good points- definitely much to ponder.
Good luck Hope (and thanks for participating)!!!
wow I never say the "l" word first ever ,because it freaks guys out no matter how long you been together...they tend to say it when they feel they want to or feel the same you do
sometimes when you force a guy to say it they shy away from it and you try to force them to say it..it's like fulling a nail to them
maybe "hope" you need to be straight up with him and tell him (with out crying )do you "l" word me? and ask him calmly why he won't say it and then you choose on whether you want to stay or not (depending on his response)
You cannot be bonded to someone who does not share the notion and acts of love and affection that you have in terms of how you measure and value love. Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that what is inadequate is enough. The work you have to do is self love and respect . With that done you will attrract a mate that delivers excatly what you need to hear and feel.
Good luck on first loving YOU.
All of the ladies have given such great advice. As a 31 year old woman. My advice to you is, please move on with your life. Find someone who is worthy of your time, love and affection. This guy isn't giving you what you want or need, so it's time to move on. You are not getting any younger and you are missing out on meeting the right man for you. There are men that will, be affectionate to you without you pressing it. Just leave him alone. I also think you should focus on making yourself happy for awhile. Just being happy with being single, dating and loving yourself first. The positive energy will send more positive men and situations your direction. If you don't do this now, you will regret how much time you wasted with this guy. I'm happily married with kids! It works :)
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