Here's another tricky one... Let's see what we can do:Dear HBS,
I absolutely love your blog! (Just wanted to say that :)) Now, let me get straight to the point. In a few months, my alma mater will be celebrating it's homecoming. My two best friends and I are planning on making the trip down south this year for it (neither of us have been back there since we graduated 8 years ago). I'm looking forward to it and can't wait.
My problem is this: I'm in a serious relationship but I still keep in touch with a certain "somebody" who I was "once upon a time" involved with. I've moved on (obviously) but he hasn't gotten over me yet. I do still care about him though.
I know I won't do anything deceitful to my better half, but I'm kinda scared of "old feelings"- however we are still good friends (from afar).
Should I or should I NOT see him?
Sincerely,
Torn!
7 comments:
Dear Torn,
I've once been in a similar situation about four years ago. For me it was out of site out of mind. If you have to write this letter to HBS, more than likely feelings will resurface. However don't panic, at this point you control the situation. If you guys are good friends and you know you don't want to do anything that would hurt your current partner, don't! It really is that simple. See your ex, but draw the line and stick to the boundaries you set no matter what. Don't instigate anything by flirting or reminiscing about the past. I'm sure you two are not together for a reason.
Even if he feels the need to cross that line he'll get the hint after realizing your efforts when bringing it back to perspective time and time again.
Have Fun and be safe
~T. Monte
Go ahead and see him . . . nothing is going to happen that YOU don’t allow to happen. Think about it this way . . . will you be able to forgive yourself if something happens? Honestly, if you give in to a brief moment of weakness it will only be a temporary fix to what is obviously a more permanent problem. What is that problem . . . well, it’s either a problem with you and your self-control . . . or your relationship (which must not be very fulfilling if you decide to stray). Know that you could easily be with this old friend and be satisfied for that one night . . . or you can go home sleep with momentary regret and wake up with a clear conscious the next morning. You would probably only wake up with guilt, if you fan the fire of this old flame. Thing is . . . if you are in a MEANINGFUL relationship . . .then it is necessary to consider the feelings of your significant other. Just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want him to do to you . . . because I’m here to tell you . . . what goes around comes back around. Do good and good will come back to you.
Deprivation only makes us want something more, and makes us ask, "What if?" To that end, I say go ahead and see him, WITH THE PROPER BOUNDARIES SET. Meaning, if you feel like old feelings may surface, then meet in a public place and have your friends accompany you. Heck, make it a group outing! Having a buffer of other people will allow you to enjoy yourself without having to contemplate what may happen if you're alone with him.
All told, you may see him and decide that you are in fact over him. You never know. But the entire situation comes down to the decisions you make. So no matter what "old feelings" may surface, you have to have the presence of mind to decide what's best for you and for your relationship -- and it sounds like you've already determined that you're going to do that.
The best thing is just not to see him. Cut down any confusion or feelings.
Think about it this way, will fooling around w/him be worth losing your current beau...From your letter it seems not, so just try to keep that front-of-mind.
I don't think you need to avoid him altogether though. You're both grown. Be up-front that you only want a platonic friendship. And don't flirt or seem like you don't mind if he flirts. You'll have to be firm for him to get the message. And, if it helps to ease tempation, just have your other two friends around everytime you interact w/him.
The thing we forget is that we think like women, men think like men and sometimes in a relationship, we need to think like they do.No man trusts another man to be a 'platonic' friend. If your man has no problems with male friends then is shouldn't be an issue. For me its a matter of respect for your significant other. The fact that you need justification on seeing this 'certain somebody' indicates that there's more to your thoughts than that of friendship. And if you know for a fact that he hasn't gotten over you, why instigate a possible 'unforeseen' occurrence.
I am in this situation now...so believe me when I agree with the above statement: The best thing is just not to see him. Cut down any confusion or feelings.
My ex has tried to make contact over the years and I finally spoke to him after 8 years in Feb of this year. I talked to him and saw him....fast forward....old feelings resurfaced and although nothing 'out of bounds' happened, I realized I had to cut off all communication because I could easily see where things were headed. I am married with a child and realized it was not worth finding out if we still had the magic. If you two are no longer together...whatever the reason...there is/was a reason. Let the past stay in the past...don't do something you will regret later.
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