Dear HBS,
I'm 24 years old and I was in a relationship with a guy in 2007. We broke up because I did something stupid (I didn't cheat); we were going to get married and have kids- the whole nine. After we broke up, I tried my hardest to get him back for 2 years. Since that time, we've talked over Facebook, going on 3 years now. Sometimes he's so nice to me and says I'm beautiful- then the next time he'll say something very cruel. All the while I'm begging and pleading for him to be cool with me, I know I'm boosting his ego and kinda putting myself down.
So, a while ago I told him I'm going to stop speaking to him altogether because I was getting sick of it and then I got a message saying all these nice things and then I fall back right into his trap... Now, not too long ago he thought it would be funny to say on his Facebook that he's getting married. I sent a message congratulating him and his fiance, and he decides to speak his mind and tell me what he really thinks of me (at this point I got real DC on him!). Three days later I found out it was just a joke, he just wanted to see what I would do. We now live in the same area (which I just found out through one of my friends), which he doesn't know yet.
I don't even know if he likes me or what I should do... Can someone please give me some advice?
*Update:
-I deleted him and some how he found me on Twitter and asked if I was mad at him or something ...and the engagement was a "joke" so he says
-And DC means Washington DC
-I happen to see him walking home and he drove over the curb just to say hi so I threw him the peace sign and walked away. He followed me for 3 blocks to talk to me...
*Update:
-I deleted him and some how he found me on Twitter and asked if I was mad at him or something ...and the engagement was a "joke" so he says
-And DC means Washington DC
-I happen to see him walking home and he drove over the curb just to say hi so I threw him the peace sign and walked away. He followed me for 3 blocks to talk to me...
Sincerely,
One More Chance?
30 comments:
He does not like or respect you. He is punishing you for cheating. He is using your guilt to control and manipulate you. STAY AWAY from him. One should never excuse cheating, but ending that relationship was a good thing b/c this guy seems like an a-hole. At some point, this type of behavior would have showed up in the relationship whether you cheated or not.
I repeat, STAY AWAY FROM THIS CREEP! And mami, forgive yourself and learn to love you b/c if a guy can completely trap you by a few nice words, something is wrong. Learn to appreciate you. Give yourself compliments daily and again forgive yourself. This will help to open the door to non-psycho dudes.
Peace Sis!
In all honesty, it sounds like he is taking you for the fool. He knows that you will do anything for his forgiveness and he is taking advantage BIG time... He lacks respect for you.
I could be wrong but it seems like you may have low self esteem- Don't depend on his seemingly "kind" words to feel good about yourself. Ditch that loser and move on- You're only 24, the world is yours!
I suggest you pick up Greg Behrendt's book, "He's Just Not That Into You"... It will definitely open your eyes!
Good book rec Wes, I've read and shared that book with fellow bellas in need.
Now OMC, kick that dude to the left. He's playing with your emotions and more importantly he's obstructing your view from other potential bachelors.
Good luck!
Allowing someone to toy with your emotion once gives them permission to continue doing it. He will do that to you over and over again. Been there, done that. Forgive yourself and keep it moving! If he's holding on to a grudge, it will hold him down and he will never be able to fly. Don't let him bring you down too. Don't bother telling him off or letting him have it. He is finished business...past tense! Find someone who will have your best interest in mind.
Whatever you did that you said was stupid to end the relationship must have made him lose respect for you. Continuing a 'friendship' with this guy is not going to get you anywhere. He's playing you. He's putting you down and playing childish games on Facebook. He thinks that by throwing a few compliments your way you'll always be around. He has a fiance! Come on girl, walk away from that jerk. There are other men out there. We all make mistakes, but don'r punish yourself by keeping this loser around. Learn from this experience and move on.
I always say to myself, there are 6 billion people on the planet, and at least half of them are male. Out of those 3 billion, at least half of those are in your age range (a good number of whom are single), so that makes 1.5 billion potentially available men. There's someone out there for you but you have to be open to the right one. Why waste another second on just this one guy? You're single.. get out there and meet someone who can treat you right and respect you.
I think that you should leave him alone!!! He is nothing but trouble. I think you have given him a lot of chances. You should move on with your life and let that little boy keep playing games.
Whatever you did to end the relationship that was stupid has obviously hurt him to the point where he's lashing out.
That'd be fine if he could let go of that and grow. But he can't. He'd rather hold onto his anger and play stupid games. Cut your losses at this point.
Leave him alone! He doesn't like you for anything more than amusement. Taking this for 3 years is NOT okay. He knows you will react to what he does and he knows that you still want to be with him and he can play with you. Anyone who will treat you like that doesn't respect you and is NOT worthy of you in a relationship.
Beyond dropping him, girl let's get your self esteem UP! You have to respect yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love and respect you. Drop him, unfriend him on facebook, and just do you. Start taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Hit the gym, get your hair hooked up at a salon, put on your good outfit and hit the town. Find out what your passions are and go after them. My point - you have got to figure out who you are, pump yourself up and start feeling GOOD about yourself. Once you start feeling more confident, you'll attract the right kind of man.
Trust me and the other commenters on this one, he doesn't like or respect you and probably never did. The Facebook games and manipulation are the work of a childish and insecure mind. He is not your friend and will never be your friend. Why chase a friendship or relationship that is not fulfilling or nurturing to your soul? Almost all of us who are out of our twenties went through at least one relationship with at least one stupid guy. Their purpose is to teach you something and "get to gettin'" out of your life so you can process the lesson and use it as you move on in your life.
Know that you are amazing and that you deserve someone equally amazing. Never elevate a man over yourself and think that you have to "win" him. I don't do Facebook but if you can, block him, "un-friend" him, delete his numbers & email addresses from your contact lists and phone. Telling him off won't do anything but waste your energy on someone who isn't worthy of it. Write down how you feel on paper then burn it/throw it away. Block ALL contact and focus on YOU. It will be difficult at first but it gets easier. You have plenty of time to find a relationship with someone else so right now, do YOU. Be blessed, sister.
what does "DC" mean? (Sorry I'm not hip on all the txt lingo, lmao
Honestly, I think you're just looking for his approval that he forgives you. Think about it. Are you really in love with the guy? Reading from this, it doesn't seem like it.
It seems like he's just messing around and that's extremely ignorant of him. For what reasons he's dong this, we may never know. He may be trying to make you jealous, he may be trying to get revenge, etc.
I think you need to talk to him in person, one-on-one. If you feel like you want to date him again, go right ahead. If not, you should move on and find someone who respects you, that won't blackmail you with everything that went down in your past. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it.
Good luck hun!!
Leave him alone! Your story sounds all to familiar and thats me. I never did anything particulary wrong but he'd find someway to reason why we were breaking up because of what I did. I knew in my heart what he was dishing out was garbage but I let it slide. And a few weeks would go by and he'd apologize, say some sweet things and he'd be back on my good graces not because he deserved another chance but because I wanted him more than I wanted to be alone. But I finally made a firm decision to let him go recently.
And now that I look back that was just not cool and it seems to be the same case for you.
And honestly if he REALLY & TRULY wanted to be with you he'd go after you with all his might to have you in his life, which by the way he's gaming you that's not the case.
Hope I was helpful.
This is a very toxic relationship. It seems as though his only interest in you is to make you feel as awful as you made him feel 3yrs ago. And he knows he has you by a string. That's why he keeps pushing things further and further - he knows you'll put up with it.
What you need to do is cut him off. Take his number out ur phone and unfriend him on fb. Period. The energy u're putting towards him, u should be putting towards yourself (building up ur self-esteem, pursuing goals, just having fun).
I'd suggest u work on being happy b4 u try to find another guy (just so u don't feel at anyone's mercy ever again). But once u start focusing on other, more important things, u'll quickly begin to see what a waste of time this dude is!
I can identify with your situation because I went through a similar instance. Me and my ex broke up and I tried to remain friends with him. though he knew I still loved him, he was very irresponsible with my feelings. I still cared for him the whole while and yet it was hurting me to stick around while he got enjoyment knowing I was sticking around.
finally, friends convinced me to let him go. I sent him a nice message telling him that I no longer wanted to communicate with him, and then I deleted him from facebook, my phone, my im...everything. and after feeling sad for a moment, I feel so much better now!
yeah I'm still single with limited prospects, but I'm much more happier now.
Let it go. plain and simple.
Girl! He does not respect, like, or want you. Run swiftly in the other direction!!! I had something link this happen to me recently. It was with an ex that I was with in 2001 that cheated on me, but I decided to forgive him, We didn't get back together but we remained friends. He ended up moving in 2004, but he would always say he still loved me and I would always be his "boo" and yadda yadda. I then find out that he had been actually living back in our hometown (where I still am) for the past 3 years and didn't think enough of me to even say that he was here. I found out from a friend (who is about to get married so there wasn't and never has been an ulterior motive on his part) of his who was probably tired of seeing me being dragged around emotionally. So it was a hard pill to swallow to finally realize this knee grow didn't respect me and that's ok....it's his loss! LOL
Girl, I agree with every post (I read) up here...so my words of advice are DE-FRIEND him on FACEBOOK!!! Plain and simple, I know it did wonders for me and my ex! You will find as you distance yourself from him, he will try more ways to reach out (AIM...email...phonecall!) but leave him be! He is using you girl, no one should have that sort of control over you BUT you!!
Everyone agrees: You should leave him alone. But you already knew that!
It is easier said than done.The real question is: What do you see in this person that continues to make you hold on?
The issue is FAR from being him. It's YOU! From the sound of the letter you're seeking something from him that he can not give you, and that's closure.
It's unfortunate, but he does not hold the key to your happiness or unhappiness for that matter. There is nothing he can say or do that will satisfy whatever it is that is missing from your life. Right now you think it's him, but it's not.
Man up to move on: Stop being entertainment for him, your friends and his & yourself (yes, your responding to him for your own amusement as well) and delete any connection you have to him(FaceBook, Twitter, MySpace. Change your # and delete his. Your true friends won't bring him up, if they do politely tell them to stop or remove yourself. I guaruntee it'll mess you up for 2 weeks tops, lol! But after that, your mind will clear and you'll see clear as to what it is you need to really move on.
walk away. It's not worth it. He's leading you on because you're allowing him to. Pick your pride up off the floor, dust it off, put it back on and keep it moving. That's the BEST advice I can give you.
He's a toxic waste dump. He is sooo not worth losing sleep over (and getting premature wrinkles for.) Start afresh.
Remove him from your friends list. Cut off all contact. He is not a friend. He is not a lover. So there is no need to have ANY contact with him whatsoever.
Spare yourself the long "I'm cutting you off" letter or phonecall, because he doesn't care - sorry. Just drop him, ignore his messages (DONT READ THEM) and move on.
Update: I deleted him and some how he found me on twitter and asked if i was mad at him or something ...and the engagement was a "joke" so he says
and DC- means washington DC
i happen to see him walking home and he drove over the curb just to say hi so i throw him the peace sign and walked away
he followed me for 3 blocks to talk to me
I mean...he wants the relationship. And you want it too. But he's too angry for it to work. Plain and simple.
one word baby NEXT! you deserve much more
Girl you just need to drop him! He has no respect for you nor his self and it seems like he's just playing games and wanting you to play along with it when he feels like it. You definitely deserve better. Leave this one alone!
In only honesty I think you already know what needs to be done. This man is using you as an ego booster, you are allowing yourself to continue and jump through hoops for what? A ring that's not yours? I know it may be tough to swallow but there doesn't seem to be a future for the both of you. You should really take some time and do some self exploration. Take some time and do things for yourself enjoy life. Get comfortable in yourself. I guarantee that when you are confident in yourself and love you for you someone else will come into your life that's more deserving of your time.
this is very disturbing to me because of your age. you are setting up the platform now on how you will allow yourself to be treated in future relationship. NEVER allow a man to play on your emotions and manipulate you for kicks. you better believe he is bragging to his friends how he has you wrapped around his finger and you are playing right into his little games. you are worthy of something better and greater than he can ever offer to you. please move on...
Sweetie,
you are so subconsciously making yourself available to this man, in a negative way. You made your mistake, okay? Many have and moved on,obviously he has. You are allowing yourself to be his yo-yo...please stop. Let the past be the past. We are all soooo connected via online so much so that it gets entangled in our 'real'world. Please find a way to 'delete' this brother, mentally and spiritually. Rid yourself from your guilt...might've been for the best.
Good luck, sincerely.
-Fatima
(1) Make him hit the pavement
(2) Tell him to man up and GROW up as you make him hit the pavement. Then get ready to start your life afresh.
Hey, as a response to ur update..when u drop a man, that's when they start comin around more! As several of the ladies suggested, take all means necessary to "delete" him from ur life, but be prepared for him to kick up his game to track u down. Don't let it phase you, it's just for his EGO to see if he can get u back. If you go back, things will be the same as they were before. Leave him be, and after a while he will leave u be as well.
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