The following concern is one we've ALL heard before; whether it was from your best friend, sister, yourSELF, etc.... Dear HBS,
I don't know if anyone can actually help solve my problem, but I am also looking to see how many other women are going through what I am going through. I am a 38 year old single female with no children. I have a good career in education and am currently pursuing my Master's Degree. I live in my own place, drive my own car and pay my own bills. I have a pleasant disposition and consider myself to be of good character. In addition, I have been told throughout my life that I am physically attractive and often get the comment "I can't believe you are single!"
Overall, I would consider myself to be a great candidate for a long-term relationship or marriage. I would love to be in love and start a family soon. I have tried everything from being match made by friends to online dating. I've even attempted to date men significantly younger than me, thinking that they would not be as jaded as older men and more willing to pursue something serious. Yet, I have not had a serious relationship in 3 years! Many of the men I meet are not looking for anything significant and seem more interested in a quick roll in the hay. Once they find out that I am not interested in a casual fling, they bounce. I also have a couple of close male friends who I would have considered relationship material but they seem happy to keep me in the "friend zone".
I don't get it! To make matters worse, I can hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder each day. I've always wanted to be a mother but I am so ready to write men off completely and accept a future as the lonely "cat lady".
How can I maintain my faith in the face of such bleak circumstances?
Sincerely,
Lonely Girl
34 comments:
Hey Lonely Girl, I hear your pain I share it too..depress NYC lady no hope for love - the only thing I have going on is keeping my hair natural. It's hard in the love dept. I agree with u guys today just want a roll not the long term story. Kids, are so cute all my friends have at least two or more & I love them all...even babysit too. I wish I had a baby of my own but just like u that chapter feels like its coming to an end with that ticking clock in my ears. I'm a godmomma now so I treat her like I gave birth to her...good loving, providing (food/clothes) I'm even going to give her dance & swimming lessons something I didnt get when I was young.
Have you tried dating websites like eHarmony? I think that you shouldn't give up and keep your standards high. Also, are you against adopting a child as a single mom (or even going to a sperm bank?) Perhaps you could be a foster parent.
I'd say check your requirments. We all have requirements but are you asking for too much?
I'm not by any means saying to lower your standards. But if there are 10 traits you'd like in a mate, are you looking for all 10 of those traits or could you be happy with 7 of the 10?
I found myself looking for the "perfect" man as I got older but was never happy with what I got. I am now in a relationship with a man that is has 8 out the 10 traits and I could not be happier. The other 2 traits...we negotiate...and it's nice to step out of my comfort zone every now and then.
You have all the time in the world to get married - you don't have the same amount of time to have children. You must accept that life is not going to go the way you thought it would and make plans for the how things are.
If becoming a mother is a priority to you above all else, then you must align your actions to reflect that priority. I'd also suggest evanmarckatz.com. He's a dating coach with some really interesting things to say. He has some great responses to those who say 'just sit back and let it happen'.
The short answer is, it's a load of crap. You don't sit back and let a job come to you, or a degree or anything else that's important to you, why do that with the most important thing - love?
Anyway, I feel you and I wish you all the best!
I'm 21, and therefore not in your position, but I still think you should go for what you want! If you really want to be a mom, do that. There are so many children worthy of your love, even if they are not your own, or don't come in the fantasy package.
As for men...I'm kinda crappy about that, whatever comes to me, comes, and I either dismiss the situation or explore it. But I'm a strong believer that everything happens in it's own time...stay positive!
I'd have to co-sign with an earlier comment, and encourage you to heighten your chances of meeting someone looking for the same things as you, i.e. a long term relationship.
Maybe a site like eHarmony could help you to at least meet someone on the same page as you, if not a potential mate.
I think what has been missing in all the comments, although very positive, is the reality of it all. Statistically speaking blk women have the highest rate of being unmarried. The ratio out here really sucks, I know where I live in the dc area it's something like 7:1 women to men.
Thing is, you can't give up hope, if you are determined to get what you want in life, you need to pray for God to send him to you. While doing that, make yourself marketable (which it sounds like you already are). See you want to be the woman that has so much going for her he can't deny you, and he'd be willing to push those other chicks to the side to be with you. It's a dog eat dog world in this dating game, fortunately I haven't had to really experience it, but as you would for a job, do your best to be the top candidate, don't compromise or give up what you want and expect in a man in life. He will come, if it's in His will, you will have it.
Hello,
I am just curious...are you open to dating all types of men or just black men? Sometimes we as black women need to be a little bit more open-minded. Black men are.
Oof. I, and a bunch of my friends, are going through your exact situation right now. Previously, I was really optimistic. But, as time drones on it's getting harder to stay positive. What worries me the most is that I would describe myself exactly as you described yourself and I feel like men aren't even interested in me. I dress really nicely, am pretty funny and try to be approachable and I never notice any dudes looking in my direction. At least not men with jobs/teeth/a decent command of English. (Yes, I know it's 2009 and I can do the approaching, but if no one even seems interested...) I'm not sure how I'm going to get myself out of this, but what I can offer you is how important it is to uphold your standards (assuming they are reasonable). Within my group of friends two are so desperate for men that they date terrible, useless men. I mean cheap, cheating, unambitious, unmotivated, insecure men. And their self-esteem is way lower than the rest of us. I think it's because when you accept less, you start to believe that you are worth less and that you deserve less. I'm just not ready for that to be true. That being said, what I'm trying next is a paradigm shift; changing what's in my line of sight for a new perspective. A new sport/class/hobby, a new route to work, going out to bars and museums more. Maybe you can try it too? Best of luck to all of us!
Unfortunately you are that "biological clock" woman. Men don't want to deal with that, it is too much prssure. How can you enjoy the journey with someone stomping their foot and checkin their clock every minute. I have seen so many friends drive away mates with that "it's been six months where is my ring? BS" You have allowed your age to stunt you. Try JUST DATING, having fun and being thankful. As hard as it is, enjoy people's company. don't "screen potential Husbands/fathers". Mentor to young children or become a Big Sister. I do not rec. the go it alone route with kids I do not believe it is what our maker intended but it is you journey not mine. Please remember childrean are not tools to fill a void or need. You are there for them. Parenthood is supposed to be the ultimate act of self sacrifice not self intitlement.
Believe it or not your Prince Charming will probably show up when you least expect it. At least thats how it happened for me. Once I stopped focusing on trying to find the "one" is when he came around. I had finally arrived at a place where I was comfortable and happy with being by mySELF; that's when my Mr. Right came along... It's been almost three years now and we're still going strong :-)
Good luck to you and try not to put so much focus out there in the universe on finding him. He'll find you!
Yet, I have not had a serious relationship in 3 years! Many of the men I meet are not looking for anything significant and seem more interested in a quick roll in the hay. Once they find out that I am not interested in a casual fling, they bounce.
I noticed this part in your write up and I wondered if you were hooking up with these guys to early in the game. Quite possibly maybe you should slow it down some and maybe try just dating them in a sense of getting to know them. I would even reccommend dating more than one guy at once to just compare and contrast. Someone suggested Eharmony, that's probably a good idea. But don't get discouraged, cause positivity is what will keep you moving. Good luck!
Wow, i definately know how she feels, i am currently in that situation and i have no luck at all, when it comes to decent men approaching me for something more than a physical attraction. i have no clue as to what is it i am doing wrong, i am not worried about having kids, because i can always adopt but as far as having a decent,man in my life it is something i want and need!!!
The world is changing out there. At 38 no one should be swearing off dating. People are dating at all ages. I always say that it's silly to wait around for someone to come along for you to do what's right for you. If the goal is to become a mother and that's what's important then you should pursue insemination or adoption. If you wait for a man to come around to pursue your desire to become a mother then it might just never happen for you. And what then?
I totally agree with Wes! It was when I made an out-loud, conscious decision to stop looking that my Husband came to me (that same day!). I had been seeing him for a year before we got together!We have been together for 8 years and married for 3.
Hey everyone. Thanks to you all for taking the time to respond to my issue. I am especially comforted in knowing that some of you are going through this too (of course I want you fabulous ladies to find love as well..and you will!).
i just recently got tired of the game playing myself... i can't complain about some of the men i've come across tho--i have come across some GREAT MEN who just weren't right for ME and then i've come across some great men and i guess i wasn't so right for them (even tho, in my mind i thought we were perfect)... it's difficult for someone to say--"you're not the ONE"... so, then we get caught up in dishonesties and "games"...
i've just decided to be celibate, pray, and be happy and fulfilled alone... i don't want a superficial relationship or something to just fill in the blank... i want the real thing and if it takes me waiting then i'll wait... *patiently* (the patiently part becomes difficult but i just reaffirm it daily and it gets easier and it doesn't hurt to stay busy)
No offense to you ladies or Wes, but its kind of annoying to hear the constant well my man found me when i wasnt looking....its not a great help when ur the one that are getting older and older and just dont see the possibility...sometimes when women find men they dont understand that its hard for that to be EVERYONES story. Im in the same boat as the lady that wrote the inquiry...and good for those who are blessed enough to have been found by their mates..but the reality is its rough out there...really...sometimes when some women find their own mate they forget what its like out there in the field..sorry it sounds harsh but thats just how i feel..blessings..and sis just keep company with the folk you love in your life and who enjoy ur company..because at the very least you can turn LONELY into BEING ALONE..which is a huge difference...talk to God about it and ask him to send him ur soulmate..im preaching to myself trust..take care
Well, when someone finds a good guy out there who is willing to be in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't believe in sex b4 marriage, let me know. ;) Until then, I'll be waiting for a cow to jump over the moon. Chances? Slim to none!
@Jennifer, girl I feel your pain! You are so right re: keeping company with those that I love. I have a great circle of friends and family and their presence certainly takes away the sting of having no mate. Be blessed sis!
Put the focus on "acting as if" you already have your dream husband. Focus on being so happy and appreciative of having completeness and you will be shocked at how fast "he" drops into your perfect world.
I'm in the same situaton over here, black 28 and single. I understand what everyone is saying, but if you are not in this pool then it's quite easy to look on "the bright side". I get so distraught sometimes I can't sleep. I'm no longer sad, I'm angry! Why not me?! Ppl keep telling how pretty I am, but I guess not pretty enough to date. This situation has destroyed my faith. Sad but true.
I wish you the best. But why do we have to feel we have to be with someone in order to feel complete. We are not really lonely. We have ourselves. No I am not in a relationship right now because its by choice. It is kinda sad that we feel "depress" just because we dont have a partner. What's wrong with living life for yourself and enjoying it. Being with family and friends and finding out new things about yourself everday. We as women really need to stop conforming to society standards of how we are suppose to be living our lives. Seriously.We dont need somebody, we only want that person. Think about it. God Bless :)
Re: Anonymous @7:49pm
Please don't be discouraged about finding a man who also believes in abstinence before marriage. They ARE out there. I have, however, experienced it to be a rare thing that a man will put that kind of info out there -- even if they aren't sexually active they don't want to be perceived as such because of that male machismo.
My standard was no sex til marriage and my husband was with it. Roughly 85% of my girlfriends didn't do the do with their respective man before marriage as well. So please, don't buy it! The cow CAN jump over the moon for you too! ;)
i believe that sometimes what we want is not what we are to have. do not focus so much on what is not there but rather appreciate the success and how far you guys have come from the journey. you must walk by faith and not by sight in situations like these. until we as women feel complete without having a man by ourside, happiness will never seem to prevail. of course who does not want the affection of a man. but no other love is greater than our own. i shall keep you guys in prayer. God bless
I think that men can sense depressed, desperate women and they probably turn and run away. When people say be positive, they are not just saying it to say it. I find that when I have a positive attitude I attract more positive into my life. When I allow the negative to show that is what I get. If you are sad without a man, you will be sad with a man. Focus on being happy regardless. Men usually want to be around stress free positive women...not women with the whole weight of singleness around their shoulders. They don't want to pressure of making YOU happy, you have to make yourself happy.
Feel encouraged sweetie! There are sooo many of us that understand your situation all too well. I am doing exactly what some others said and not putting my focus on a husband. I'm happy with being me for a change. I just recently enrolled in school to pursue my masters degree. I am trying to learn a new language... you know just doing positive things that I've always wanted to do. I am also celibate (as someone else said) and I'm also cutting out a lot of drama and bs from my life. There are great men out there! I've met several, but we weren't compatible. I'm glad that God brought them into my life because HE confirmed that they ARE out there!!! I wish you luck, but stay positive! Love YOU, do things for yourself while you can and the rest will come ;-)
Hey lonely girl,
i feel you. and, yes, it is easy to say that "the one" (and i am in doubt if this person exists) will come when you do not expect it. it is easy to say "believe" when we hear this woman share her sadness. and if we are honest we can all remember a time in our life when we feel the same (i can). a post like hers remebers us of these sad,painful days.in this very moment our past is her present reality. can we witness her sadness and stand by her side? Are we woman, sisters enough to witness her feelings? or do we have to "talk them away or advice them away" in order to neglect our past sadness and pain? Have we already healed from the feeling of being neglected or being alone(i do sometimes not, even now i am blessed with a loving husband), This sister has a gift for us- remebering these feelings and healing a deep wound. and perhaps we have a gift for her-that having and creating faith and hope during rough times is crucial and worth all the hard work it costs.
i do not want to offend the commenters above, just want to share my 2 cent...
may your wishes come true and may your wishes be wise....
and only you and the loving voice within your soul can tell this wisdom...
blessed be,
Moni
This is the story of my life. You are not alone. I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open, but I have come to accept that love and marriage may not even come my way.
Moni, thanks for empathizing with the singles girl's plight. Much love.
Hi Ladies,
I'm about marry a wonderful man who shares the same values and outlook on life as I do. We were matched on eHarmony a little over a year ago, and met in person for the first time last September. He proposed in February; we'll be marrying in August of this year. I have three degrees (including two master's) and am working on a Ph.D. And, I just turned 34 years old in May. We have not had sex in any form. I was in a similar mental spot as the original poster, thinking I would never get married despite a central desire to do so. When I got serious about what I was contributing to my dating life (i.e. dating men who were not ready/willing to commit) and stopped blaming men for my failed relationships, I was able to see quality when the Lord sent it. My husband to be is not rich (he's a grad student like me), flashy, "cool," or indifferent about commitment. But he has a good heart, a solid relationship with the Lord and a fervent desire to make me happy. A decade ago, I would not have even given him a second thought--that was immaturity on my part. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and be a mother. If that's what you really want, get serious about it and make sure you are worth marrying (i.e. maintain a sweet spirit, a kind heart, know how to compromise, cook and clean, and take care of a husband). Then, don't entertain advances from men who clearly don't want the same thing for themselves. Look around for the nice guys, the quiet guys, the low-key guys and the non-flashy guys. Give them a chance. They are the ones who make the best husbands. Oh, and my fiance is 39 years old and never married with no kids either. Age is not as much of a factor as the other qualities I mentioned above.
All the best!
To the last poster: Love it! :-)Your story is inspiring and I am so happy for you. I also appreciate the fact that you said "There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and be a mother". So many people seem to think that I feel inadequate or incomplete because I say I want a mate. To the contrary..I have a fulfilling career, loving family and friends, various hobbies and as I mentioned, am pursuing an advanced degree. My life is great! I don't NEED a mate, but I do WANT a mate. I've enjoyed the single life for many years and now I am simply ready to share my life with someone special. Thank you for understanding that! Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I also thank those supportive posters who empathized with me and sent me messages of love and encouragement! Be blessed...
Why must advice aboutbeing a wife or attracting a mate ALWAYS include this mess right here:
"make sure you are worth marrying (i.e. maintain a sweet spirit, a kind heart, know how to compromise, cook and clean, and take care of a husband)."
All Humans should know how to cook/clean/have a kind heart and kind spririt.
Get so tired of women being told what to do to get a man and men are left to pick and choose.
This is an interesting letter because I felt the same way you did in my mid to late twenties...and I have to say there are tons of men out there. I just recently realized though that every man is not for you. I've dated men who fit my "requirements" within my "expected timeline" and guess what?...I wasn't happy...so guess what I had to do?...start all over again and find someone who fits me. It's not that men are so hard to find because I see them everyday going to work..going home...or sometimes on the block...but they aren't all for me. I know it's harder at 38..and feel your pain because if I was 38 I would feel the same way. But like some of the others have said...you can't give up hope..and don't turn into a bitter woman...men hate that! Start appreciating the things you do have and being grateful for the blessings in your life right now. Trust me...go look in the hospitals...I bet those people would love to have your problem. Keep ya' head up sistah!
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