I'm not too sure how to handle this one guys (*rolling up my sleeves*)...Dear HBS,
Thank you for leaving a spot opened for twisted sisters like me!
Here's my problem: There's this guy that lives a couple of apartments away from mine and though I never had the chance to talk to him, I've been in love (?) for close to 5 years now (yes, I know way too much). How do I go about pretending I don't care about him anymore or better yet that nothing ever happened?
Let me give you more details on the whole thing:
When I first met him, I was ugly because I felt ugly. I had no confidence at all! I used to see him parading with his girl in my face. He would hold her tighter at my sight to make me feel bad (?) I can't even blame him for that; I was the stupid fool who peeped at his window everyday, would stare at him forever and look so desperate. And I know it showed a lot that I was hurting because everybody tells me I'm too expressive and they read me like an open book!
Now I feel a lot more confident, but still... I tried to convince myself that he's not a good person but I've been on his Facebook many times (he has no clue about that) and he actually seems to be a very laid back person. Egocentric but friendly, nothing wrong with that!
I was told to expose my feelings to him but I NEVER will because I have already embarrassed myself in so many ways. He's not into me at all and I'm not even contemplating any kind of friendship or relationship with him anymore. I just feel so guilty for giving him so much power. I also feel ashamed because I left my pride at his feet without him even having to budge for that.
How do I save face when he sings really loud to get my attention or just smile to make me fall again?
Sincerely,
Lost & Confused
23 comments:
I don't understand how you could be in 'love' with a neighbor you see here and there but never speak to. Move your focus on someone who is willing to actually say "hi" to you. Girl, please stop doing that whole stalking facebook thing...I've fallen victim to that as well and it got me nowhere.
Lost & Confused? There were never any truer words spoken!
1) You DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP with him. He is a COMPLETE and TOTAL stranger to you as you are to him.
2)He does not sing to get your attention. He does not hold his girl tighter to make you jealous or feel bad. You are not on his radar AT ALL.
For 5 years you made up an entire relationship with a man you've never spoken to COMPLETELY in your head. It's all FANTASY. It's not real.
You mentioned you had low self-esteem and felt unnattractive for a very long period of time. I wouldn't doubt that you were depressed and lonely. Because you felt this way, you closed yourself off into your own little world and made him star of the show.
Bottom-line: Your obsessed with a stranger which is very unhealthy.
If your financially able to do it, move. Delete his FB page or any other social connection that allows you voyuerism. Peeking into his world makes you think you are actually apart of it, which isn't true. If these things don't work, talk to a trustful friend or clergyman. Let us know how you are doing and good luck!
You sound really sweet. Congratulations on your new found confidence! You should expose your new confidence to somebody who is worth it. You shouldn't even be considering this dude anymore. The longer you keep him on your mind, the more power you give him. You remember how in school we are told to ignore bullies and they will eventually leave us alone because it isn't fun anymore? Same thing, don't give him the time of day.
Hi,
to this i will say,Girl just lift your head up.Tell yourself "i am beautiful inside and out".Fix your hair real good and put on some make up.One thing i have learnt in life is that not everything is meant to be.Some guys like ladies who are bold and carry themselves real good.Dont be ashamed of anything.Goodness, there is enaf foolishness and shame in this world to last a lifetime.
Make a difference.You are stronger, bolder and wiser not to forget soo bueatiful than u can ever imagine cos u have a heart that loves and trust me if it does not open this door it will open so many other doors for u to choose the best.
Cheer up sis.
Sis,
I have a feeling that a lot of what our experiencing might be in your own head. If you've never even spoken to the guy, I don't think you have too much to worry about. Has he seen you peaking through his window? If he has, and hasn't said anything about, you should:Stop that behavior immediately,act as if nothing ever happened, and possibly start taking the stairs(as to avoid him on the elevator). In my experience men are extremely vocal when it comes to something that is plaguing them, so if he hasn't said anything to you chances are he isn't too worried about the situation.
Hun I think you should seriously move on and focus that intense energy on yourself. Do everything in the world that will make you feel good about you. When I was going through some issues with my ex,I cut off all ties, became a vegan, joined a gym, did yoga every morning, and made sure to do one thing for my self every single day whether it was going for a long walk to clear my head or getting a mani pedi. And be sure to talk to your besties on the regular. You probably need their support right now.
Hope that was helpful
Good Luck
I'm Lost and confused too . . . how can you say you love someone you don't even KNOW??? This man hasn't done anything to show you the least bit of interest yet you are carrying a torch for him (without him even knowing you exist). It sounds a bit scary and obsessive if you ask me. This situation you have created with this man is purely in your head. It is not reality it is fantasy.
You may do well seeking professional help. Google avoidant personality disorder and see if you can relate to what is said, if so seek help. I will tell you that people with this disorder are reluctant to become involved with others, are shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong, are easily hurt by criticism or disapproval, hold the view that they are socially inept, inferior, or unappealing to other people, and they have a preoccupation with fantasy. Even if you do not believe you have any of these signs, you should still seek the help of a licensed therapist. It is unnatural for fantasy to seep into reality the way you are allowing it to. My prayers are with you.
I def agree w/the other ladies! I think you may be worrying too much about the situation. We tend to see ourselves in a worse light than how others view us.
And if he saw you peeping - oops - who cares?! We're all human and do silly things. I guarantee there's been a thing or two he's done in life that he wishes he was never caught doing. The more important thing is to learn from it and move on. You can't dwell in a place of regrets, because you'll be left paralyzed and never progress.
Shake it off. Do you! Keep building up your confidence, and going about your normal routine. Don't give him any more power than he deserves by going out of your way to avoid him. If you see him, smile and keep it moving. There's nothing better than showing someone who used to intimidate you that you are unflappable!
Love yourself first, girl! You deserve to be happy and have real, healthy relationships!! Let us know how it goes.
I agree with I'mGlossyMynJuan. This person must be very young because this entire thing comes across like such an immature issue...
I have always believed that you cannot love someone who does not love you back, so I will choose the word infatuated for this case. Yes, you have been infatuated with this guy for 5 years, but now that you say you are over it, then be over it. When you walk out your door each day, have your head held high and keep on moving because your world is no longer wrapped up in his anymore. There are so many women who have been in your situation. Those who have fallen for the guy but never made the move, but somehow seemed to know all about him, his life, and his next moves. You will come to the point where he is a mute point. You will be able to walk pass him and not think twice about what is going on in his head. However, because you have so much time involved in this infatuated world, it will take time. Mostly though, I hope that this is a situation where lessons have been learned so that this mistake will not happen again.
I think that you are in lust and once u can come to terms with that it will all be easier to let go.
If you re-read your letter, you said how do u "pretend" you don't like him...Or "convince" yourself that he's a good dude.
You can't move forward if you're trying to feed yourself lies. You're smarter than that. Instead of trying to convince or pretend, use the facts.
Example:
The fact is that u like him but never spoke two words to him and you have given too much power to the point where he is starting to act childish by doing things to get your attention when u could care less.
He is probably a good dude, but just b/c he's a good dude, doesn't mean that he is the guy for u.
Ya'll both sound like ya'll have issues....judging by how he acted when he had his girl and saw u.
I think you should just let it go completely. Don't think about him b/c everything that you feel is imaginary. When u see him act like he doesn't exist. Look past him, but whatever you do, don't hold your head down nor shift your eyes down b/c it comes off as being weak.
Good luck :)
I was just having a similar conversation when one of my close friends last night. She is 22(I believe that is young, but in her mind she is grown) and often creates these sort of fantasies in her mind. She told me last night that she believed that her and her coworker were meant to me...she's only been working with the guy for a week and has never had a convo with him. I have been going through this stuff with her for years and never know what to tell her...you guys have helped a bunch.
wow i'm concerned that you are obsessed with this dude. he was probably holding his girl close when he saw you because you give him the creeps. i'm sorry to sound harsh but WOW! i'm wondering how you even know his full name to find him on facebook if you never even said hi to him?
im sorry if this sounds insensitive, but you sound delusional, and a bit nutty...you need to seek counseling ASAP. everything that you are going through you have made up in your head, and i really hope you get the help you really need. Please seek therapy!!!!....
i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you sound just like my neighbor (who i think is a total weirdo) that's always staring at me and that i've caught peeking through my windows during the summer. because i'm female and i live alone i put that nigga on blast and he's since backed off. it seems as though your neighbor is trying to be sensitive to you by giving you subtle hints that he's not interested by gripping his girlfriend closer when he walks past you. he's not trying to make you jealous. you did not have a relationship and you are not in love. you really need to seek counseling because your behavior is obsessive, delusional and voyeuristic (ie stalking!!!). i hope that you do find help. i know what it's like to have a crush but what you have goes way beyond that. good luck to you.
I'd also like to add that I have seen a therapist before. There's nothing wrong with talking to someone to get your head together. You can do it girl! God bless...
Lost and Confused,
I don't want to be hard on you, so I won't. Everyone has been crazy over a dude before, (well maybe not in exactly the same way) we may not be as brave as to admit it out lout, but who cares.
Just know that who you were yesterday was who you were yesterday.
Who you are today is this new, confident you, and it takes you believing that every moment of the day, whether you cross paths with this man or not.
To remind yourself of this, say "Good morning" when you see this guy. Stop making him into the big and scary boogie man.
If he is singing a song you know...Girl...join in.
Or hum a tune of your own. You can get through this, one moment at a time. Good luck.
Is he singing "Obsessed" by Mariah? OK, enough jokes, but don't end up like the guy in the video.
I have a friend who is completely obsessed with her first boyfriend. She has not had a relationship before her mid-twenties so she did not go through all the normal teenage angst that some people go through in high school. I am assuming you may be in a similar position being that you had low self-esteem for a long time prior to coming across this guy, so you may not have been able to go through the trials and errors to learn from.
Move and see a therapist - you said yourself that you are giving this stranger too much power over YOU and your happiness. Your thoughts are a bit extreme... and dammit, woman, you deserve less mental stress to go with your ever-developing confidence.
Good luck, dollface
First of all sweetie you need to take your power back! It is possible he may not be doing some of these things intentionally ( pulling his girl closer, singing loudly) because sometimes when we are so focused on someone we take everything they do personally, but if he is the type to behave that way he isn't worth you feeling ashamed for(not that anyone is worth that). So from this point forward when you see him smile your confident smile say hi and keep it moving, literally, dont even think twice about it or read into it further. If its meant for your paths to cross in any way such as frienship and/or a relationship it will happen but don't rack your brain about it. and last but not least...Back Away From the Facebook Page! ;) Good luck sweetie.
Convince yourself he has bad breath and small manhood. This will help you get over him.
other than that, stop obsessing over someone you hadn't even talked too. How can you car so much about someone you don't even know???
Sounds like there is more to the story then someone liking from afar...
Wow thanks so much for all the comments! Even those who were trying so hard not to be rude - but failed - thank you for giving me a good kick in the ass!
Just think I should clear a couple of things.
I was 14 when I met him, I'm now 22 and haven't been "crazy" the whole time. Most of my misbehaving (like I peeping at his window) stopped more than 3 years ago, the only recent is the Facebook thing. How do I know his name? I actually know his mother (they still live together) and because we have friends in common facebook suggested him as a friend. So I found his page randomly and his profile is public, no need to add him. But I already know last week was the last time I will check his page.
You're all right it's not love it was just pure madness. Since all of you said just ignoring him is the only way to get through my past mistakes, I feel so much better because it didn't know what to do to forgive myself and let him know I moved on...
I took a behavioral-psychological class recently and I have learnt a lot about myself. I now know the reason why I got "crazy" over him is because I had issues I couldn't deal with and I used him as a distraction. What I am left with now is scars.
I still feel a pang in my heart when I see him but this time I have slapped my face for good....
Congrats sweetie =)
^^^Same thing Siera J. just said
good for you! i do apologize for sounding so harsh. i did not realize that you are so young. we all do/did silly things when we were younger. lol
i am happy to hear that you are moving foward! that's all we can do! (we fall down... but we get up!!!)
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