Dear HBS,
I'm friends with a guy who has been pursuing me since the moment that we met (a couple of years ago). Even when he was with other girls, he still went out of his way to get me to date him. I have been upfront with him on many occasions and have told him that I do not like him in that way. However, he is very persistent. He had a habit of calling me several times a day and I once had to confront him about that. The main reason why I ended up talking to him about it is because I started ignoring his calls for about a month and the frequency of the calls never stopped. I ended up calling him back and explaining that he was calling me too often so now he calls once a day. He has also put me in awkward positions; once, he actually held me tightly to kiss me while I was pushing him off of me. I said on many occasions that I didn't want to kiss him so was not happy at all that he forced me to. I did not yell at him for it though and instead just said that it will never happen again.
Now, I know you might read this and say "Well then drop him", but the problem is that we became friends along the way and I do care about his feelings. Aside from the fact that he's intelligent and ambitious, he's also one of the first guys I've met that actually cares about me for my personality more than for my appearance and I respect that. Because he is my friend, I do continue to talk to him, but I'm finding it increasingly harder to spend time with him when he continues to push the whole relationship thing. He makes me feel like a horrible person when he talks about us being together. I pride myself on being open to everyone and not being superficial but I'm not attracted to him and I feel like a hypocrite. My friends think that he should understand by now (it's been years!). They said I shouldn't feel bad at all, but I still do. Not only do I feel superficial, but I also know how it feels to want someone you can't have and I don't want to do that to him. What do I do? Am I giving him mixed signals by being his friend and and spending time with him, possibly making him think that something can happen between us? I also want to add that he knows more about me than many of my other friends do. I feel comfortable confiding in him and I think that makes us become even closer. I'm not sure if that would have an effect on people's opinions about what I should do, but it personally makes it harder for me to continue rejecting him.
Just Want to be His Friend
31 comments:
I unfortunately am on the side of ending the friendship. I feel this falls into if he truly loves you he'll respect your wishes category. You're not obligated to be attracted to him and can't force that. I personally desire to eventually meet and marry someone that I'm attracted to and that's attrated to me, I don't feel however they have to be the most beautiful guy on earth and others may not even find him attractive at all. As a matter of fact the "one that got away" people would look at me like really why him? But loving his interior made me to love his exterior as well therefore I was attracted to someone that may not be attractive based on societies standards and on the same token there are many men who are deemed fine that I may find physically attractive but that I'm not attracted to....hope that makes sense:)
So saying all that to say I don't think it's superficial to not want to be with someone you're not attracted to and I'd personally take issue with being with someone that doesn't find me attractive, doesn't mean I'm the finest on the planet but seriously how much are we going to love someone we consider ugly in our eyes? That's different from having a set standard of what is or isn't beautiful and having to have a person that looks an exact way.
But if this guy has love for you as a friend, he'll leave it at that even if it's difficult for him all else is selfish. And only other thing is if you aren't being clear which reading what's posted here seems to me you are so I think it wise to end it, also sounds a little obsessive IMHO.
If he hasn't gotten the message by now I don't think he's ever going to get. Since you see no relationship with him in your future I think you have to choose between continuing to reject him while remaining his friend or rejecting him once and for all by cutting him out of your life for good.
None of the above suggestions are easy. Though when you truly reach the limit of your patience and tolerance, I think you will make the right decision.
Don't feel bad about hurting his feelings or feel like a hypocrite for not wanting to be with him. We cannot control who we are attracted to.
I hope, for the sake of your sanity, that the situation is resolved soon. Good luck.
It sounds like you need to end this relationship. It doesn't sound healthy, especially with the forced kissing. At a minimum, you need to look him in the eye and tell him plainly and bluntly that you are not attracted to him in that way, you are NEVER going to have a relationship with him, and you NEVER want to hear about it again. If he can't handle that you're relationship needs to end, period. It sounds like you have been ambivalent, and you need to be direct and firm if you don't want to be his girlfriend.
Dear Wes, i really luv ur blog but Tuesday troubles is really gettin annoying. When it originally started i thought it was to write in about any hair/beauty issues that one may be having, not about personnal problems. i wish the ladies would stop with this nonsense and use some good old common sense, read what you write and you should find ur answer and you will also see how silly it is to be writing in about this stuff.
He doesn't want to be friends with you, he wants to be your boyfriend. You have to do the right thing and cut off your friendship with him or you will keep leading him on. Men need very clear signals or else there will always be that hope that you'll change your mind if he's persistent enough.
Also allowing him to force himself on you for a kiss should have been the last straw! Who knows what he might force on you next?
You can't help who you're attracted to and neither can he, but he's not behaving like a gentleman. Regardless of his other positive attributes, he showed a darker side of himself by forcing a kiss on you. He should really back off, but if he doesn't then you have to do it.
I've been in situations like this and there's really no other way out.
I say you have to end your friendship with him. You've made it clear that you only want to be friends and he can't respect that. Also, if he held you down to get a kiss who's to say that he won't hold you down to get something else. If u know what I mean. Cut him loose.
Woah this guy sounds obsessed. I think you are definitely going to have to make a separation from him, because he is obviously not going to take no for an answer. You should definitely watch what you are divulging to him because these things can be used against you in situations with people like this. Some people may say persistence is an attractive trait, but at this point it kind of seems worrisome.
Woah this guy sounds obsessed. I think you are definitely going to have to make a separation from him, because he is obviously not going to take no for an answer. You should definitely watch what you are divulging to him because these things can be used against you in situations with people like this. Some people may say persistence is an attractive trait, but at this point it kind of seems worrisome.
well well well
Desperate situations calls for desperate measures. Well according to you, you do not want a relationship with him but you are soo close to him. Girl why! To me it is now time to drop him or to make it a bit better for yourself push him to the back for a while. To him it might seem like you are leading him on. Some guys have this blasted and wrong impression about ladies, they tend to say anytime a lady says no,she really meant to say a yes and thus one has to keep persisting. Girl take action and take charge now. You are not going to jump off a bridge if you stop confiding in him, i guess. The worst is that you are going to feel a bit lonely but you will survive.
so my advice is that if you say you dont want a relationship with this guy and you dont mind my opinion then it is time to D.R.O.P him girl.
I think you are sending him mixed signals by continuing to be his friend while you have no intentions of being with him. Some people are able to separate their feelings and continue a friendship but he is obviously not able to do that. You have to be the one to break off the friendship. You're keeping him around for self-serving reasons. Be a real friend and give him the boot for good so that he can stop pining after you and find another woman to put on a pedestal who might actually want to be with him.
My dear, you must be very, very careful with this situation. I know that it seems will small and insignificant to you, but in the larger scheme of things it is serious. I've been in the same situation. I think you've made it clear to this guy, how uncomfortable you are with this situation and the circumstances in which he puts you. Tread carefully, this guy sounds like a a loose cannon. You might have to cut off all communication with this guy, at leat for a while. I understand that you may be his "friend" and you care about his feelings, but what's more important, your safety or his feelings?
I've dealt with this issue more than once and dropping him is the only way to go. He doesn't respect you or your lack of romantic interest in him. He's also been disrespectful of the women he's dated while pursuing you. His "persistence" sounds obsessive and trust me, friend or not, "NO" means "NO" and if he tries to put you in an awkward position or force you to kiss, etc. then that's dangerous. For real. Delete the number, email, block him on social sites if you're on them and get away. Find new friends and don't disclose so much of yourself with anyone else. However, let someone in your family or a close female friend know what you're doing (breaking off the friendship/telling him the truth AGAIN) and where he lives, what he drives,etc. just in case. Good luck!
First of all he is not your friend. Most guys only befriend us women in order to get something from us. Even if we look at them as friends, they look at us differently. I know by experience. I thought me and my guy friend of SEVEN years were BFF until we decided to make it offical and become boyfriend and girlfriend, then he dumped me for another girl! My point is that if the guy that was my BFF for seven years was really my friend he would not have let another girl come between us.
You have to drop him as a friend. Because he is not your real friend. A real friend would not continue to make you feel uncomfortable around them. Yeah, he listens to you and he knows you so well. But what if he does more than try to kiss you? What if he takes it further?? Explain to him that you cannot be his friend because of his behavior and change your number. You'll get over the guilt.
I've been in your position before, and definitely had to end the friendship. It came down to some very inappropriate and obsessive behaviour on his part, and I had to dead that before it got to a place that I couldn't handle it. Point blank, for your own sanity, put this friendship on pause and cut off all contact with this guy. Both of you will be better off in the long run.
On a side note, I for one love the Tuesday Trouble section, and honestly find it boring when it's only related to hair issues. We all need help one way or another, so I don't knock anyone who's writing in to vent and to seek opinions and advice. I think that this blog definitely has its focus, being that of natural hair care, but I think it's also a venue for bigger thoughts, such as these Tuesday Troubles section. Just my $0.02!
"Even when he was with other girls, he still went out of his way to get me to date him."
Imagine what he would do with other women if you got together. Watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS.
First of all, Wes, I'm glad to see "the juice" is back in Tuesday's Trouble! Another reader commented that she's sick of the "nonsense" (no offense to that reader), but really, how many split ends and dry hair "troubles" can we really talk about? Besides, this is a lifestyle blog--it's not just about hair--can't we talk about whatever might be troubling us?
Anyway, regarding our troubled friend, I don't think you should just drop him, but I think you should give him an ultimatum. Either he IMMEDIATELY stops with the come-ons or the friendship is over IMMEDIATELY, and you must mean that when you say it. I too am a little concerned about the forced kiss, but you know him and it's a judgment call on your part as to whether you feel safe with him. Anyway, best of luck with your friend. I have two very good guys friends and I wouldn't trade them for anything, so I totally understand how attached you are to him. Be blessed.
Be very careful!!
A guy treated me like this and I too didn't really like him like that. He ended up raping me and giving me herpes. It has so messed up my life. I live with it but I wish I'd ran. I just took him as a friend so I totally didn't see it coming. How you say he acts, reminds me of the same. It might seem like he just really likes you but he is actually being disrespectful. Be very careful!!!!
I've been in this situation in the past and trust me, you need to end the friendship. Even if he stops making advances towards you, he won't stop being attracted to you and thinking about you in the lustful manner that he currently does (I use the word "lustful" due to the forced kiss). How are you even comfortable around this guy? Use your common sense and leave this guy alone.
Hopefully this letter-writer comes back and gives us her feedback on what she did/will do in the situation.
Wow, a whole lot of wise comments up here. And I agree with them all, especially Melinda's.
End it - he is not being a friend to you and he does not want your friendship.
The situation as described is flagging up danger signals for all of us commenters.
Do not return his calls and make sure you are never alone with this guy.
Good luck
mixie
All stories have two sides and of course it would be easy to give advice after hearing his side. I have to ask about the signals that you are sending him. If the situation were reversed we would probebly assume that the guy was sending the girl mixed signals to keep her hoping.
I suggest you really search your heart about two things:
1. Are you absolutely sure that you do not want to give this guy a chance.
2. Have you been taking advantage of him and therefore sending him mixed signals?
Sometimes we allow someone to continue to pursue us because it flatters us. Also it seems you are getting a lot of perks...having such an intimate guy friend without the responsibility of a relationship.
No matter what there are going to have to be changes made. you may have kept him around because you love what he offers you but you have to realize that considering his feelings...you could be labled a user. So really, either you give him a chance or you let him go...gently but firmly.
Hey everyone:) Sorry I couldn`t answer earlier but I`m on vacation and am using a family member`s computer right now. I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice. From what I`ve read, I`ve decided that it`s important to set an actual ultimatum and not laugh things off. I`m going to talk to him when I get back. I go to school with him and will be seeing him on campus next month so I know it might be awkward but I feel like everytime I change the convo instead of just saying no, I`m copping out. Alright have to go!
OMG! I've been in the same situation for about four years. I could have written your post. I have never met such a persistance man in my life. I have learned in my friendship with him that he can't make me love him if I don't, no matter how hard he tries. It is better to make a clean and complete break as to not lead him on any further. Chemistry in a relationship is important. I have also figured out that men tend to fall in love with or hold in high regard women who are a challenge mentally and sexually. As Steve Harvey would say, women who have standards. It is possible for a man to fall deeply in love with a woman without having had sex with her. I keep this in mind as I make myself open and available for the "one."
i love the the ladies actually come back to update us! lol good luck tuesday trouble-er. you can do it.
i also enjoy the tuesday trouble posts. they are a nice break from all the hair stuff and like another commenter mentioned... i like to help a sista out when i can.
This guy is not being a good friend to you. He's putting his selfish needs over your friendship. You have a lot of patience. I would have cut all ties by now. You have to lay it down on the line. If he can't respect that you only want to be friends, then he needs to leave. Time and distance may give him the clarity he needs to realise that he does value your friendship. It's a hard place to be in and I've been there before. You shouldn't feel guilty about not being attracted to him.
it's me again:) just got back from vacation (it was pretty boring lol).
to the post right below mine (anonymous 12:49 am)- what actions did you take?
and to anonymous 9:41 am- I'm not sure if being his friend is the same as giving mixed signals. in the past, I've straight up told him that I didn't like him and could never see us together. I've also been with other guys (he only knows of one though) instead of being with him but he's still persistent. the closer we've gotten, the more I just change the subject of the convo (when it gets into relationship territory) or just laugh and say "whatever". I haven't flat out said "no" in months. he's not my only male friend but I've never had this issue with any guy friend before. I've also never had this issue with guys who have pursued me. I'm the type of person who hates being in awkward situations so I found it hard not to soften my approach towards his advances (hence the "laughing things off" approach). I don't think I've ever directly hurt someone's feelings but I agree that I need to do something about this instead of being passive
I don't even think there is a friendship there! It's just weird and you should end it. He seems like really trouble and if I were you I'd be afraid of being alone with him. get out now!
If he was really your friend, he'd stop pushin' up on you. He's troubled.
Friends don't do things to hurt, or cause discomfort. The fact that he ignores your wishes...as if they're not important, speaks volumes about his true nature.
Sounds to me like you are truly leading him on. When he held you tightly to "force" a kiss, why didn't you turn your head?!?! Unless he actually grabbed your face and forced his lips upon yours, you allowed him to kiss you. Why does he only know of one guy you've dated since he's known you? Why do you feel the need to keep this from him? If he's your friend that's something you would talk about. Your hiding it from him because you enjoy the attention he is giving you.
If you haven't been leading him on, then why would you feel guilty about telling him to back off? I have been guilty of leading a guy on because I enjoyed the attention even though I didn't want him. I felt guilty when I ended it because I knew I had done things to make him feel otherwise. You would have absolutely no reason to feel guilty if you weren't giving him those signals.
Why would you continue to divulge info that your closest friends don't know about you to someone who is making you uncomfortable? Clearly he doesn't make you as uncomfortable as you are saying. And laughing and saying whatev when he talks about relationships makes it seem like you like him but are shy about it. Women giggle when they are flattered or flirting. Pay attention to how you react to a man's comments.
You can't just be friends with this guy. It's relationship or nothing. And I guarantee as soon as he gets in your pants the "relationship" will be done and he will be the one ignoring your calls. Guys function different than girls do. He'll bounce back
SO glad she came back to give an update. Here's the thing: No one likes awkward moments, BUT you have to get over that and tell him straight out how uncomfortable he is making you and that you can no longer be his friend because he has NOT been listening and getting physical with you crossed a MAJOR line. Also please have this conversation in a PUBLIC PLACE!!! I don't want anything to happen to you. And stay firm! Don't let him persuade you into staying friends because he says he'll change! HE WON'T.
Post a Comment