Dear HBS,My issue is a rare one. My ex and I haven't been together in over 5 years. I still keep in contact with his mom and little sister, they're like family to me. Prior to us breaking up, my ex and I were together for almost 10 years, we were high school sweethearts. The break up was a tough one, I decided to end it because we just didn't want the same things in life. Anyways (not to digress), we were best, BEST friends before dating and when the relationship ended, so did our friendship. I can probably, no I KNOW I can count on one hand how many times we've actually spoken since we split.
Fast forward to last week, his mother tells me that he's enrolled in the Navy and is now living in Texas with his WIFE. But see, I don't care that he's married, I'm happy for him and I really, really hope he's happy (even though I don't really think he is- something just tells me he's not). I have since moved on and am engaged myself but I feel like I've lost my best friend, and in a way, I have. I often find myself reminiscing over the good times, not in an intimate way but the innocent fun that two best friends have.
I can't understand why he's cut off ALL communication with me. Yes, he was really hurt after our break up but I would think by now he would've gotten over it- especially since he's married. We were friends before anything.
So here's where I need your help- Why do you think he cut me off? None of our "brief" post-break up conversations indicated that he held anger towards me... I haven't been able to figure it out!
Sincerely,
Missing my Friend
16 comments:
Hello,
I absolutely do not know the reasons why he has cut all communication with you but i can only offer you a few of my own.
I have been in this situation before and i honestly know how you feel. Trust me it is not easy to break up with your guy and absolutely not pleasant if the said guy happens to have been your bestfriend. pphhhewwwwww!
In my opinion he is trying to make things very easy and bearable for both of you and particularly for him. How can he break up with you and still keep you as a best friend all at the same time.It is a real challenge on the heart. He is married and to me wouldnt want problems with his wife. In my country there is this saying that "old firewood catches fire soo easily and within a twinkle of an eye". He is married and would want to have the same relationship he had with you with his wife. He absolutely can't do that if he thinks you are still around him. For all you know he might be vulnerable and might not trust his heart if he were to still be communicating with you.
Onething i know for sure is that it will take a little more time but he will get in contact with you.
It’s hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for who does not reciprocate. Just a hunch since you said that you initiated the break-up and he was hurt by it. You could always try contacting him and asking him, which is much better than speculating.
Sometimes breakups are really hard on people. You may be able to compartmentalize your feelings and stay friends but he really isn't able to. I have the same problems with my ex. He would like to remain friends but I cannot do that and stay sane at the same time because I still have feelings for him. Maybe he still has feelings for you and he knows being friends with you will complicate his life? Good luck to you with your engagement! :)
"How can he break up with you and still keep you as a best friend all at the same time."
That's precisely why he cut you off. Would you want your fiance to have a relationship with an ex that had as much history as you and yours did? Think of him as that childhood best bud who you no longer communicate with. Enjoy those ooooold memories but don't worry yourself about why you aren't friends anymore. That's the past. Focus on your future.
There's that old saying - If you can't have something/someone you love learn to loathe it.
It seems that you all were in two different places with your relationship. (Ironic because you said that is the reason you broke up with him).
He seems to really wanted to stay in the relationship and cutting off all contact made/makes it easier for him to deal with... Which BTW is his right.
Unfortunetly sometimes, after a breakup (even to someone who was once a close friend), is very difficult or impossible.
Since he is married and out of respect for his wife I feel you should just let it be. We all know that often times when we get back in contact with an ex (ESPECIALLY someone we dated a long time and/or were really good friends with or had a deep emotional connection) stuff that SHOULDN'T happen... happens!
I'm sure his wife and your fiance would NOT be too thrilled about you guys now being "best friends".
I'm sure it's hard but your belief that he should still be friends with you after you (most likely) broke his heart is unreasonable and kind of selfish. Consider his feelings too! Friendship with you (only) may not be possible for him.
Also, just because he didn't "let on" he was angry, hurt or crushed doesn't mean he wasn't.
If all else fails ask his mom! I'm sure she could give you more insight as to why he hasn't talked to you at all...
I think you should let it go. You both have moved on. Your Fiance should be your best friend.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about why he cut it off. He might actually be in love with his wife and don't feel that he need no other friend. I'm engaged and an aunt of his keep calling me by his ex girlfriend's name. I asked my fiance what was the relationship between him and this girl. He said they use to be good friends and also in the process told me he no longer cared to have a friendship with her because once you become intimate with a friend you no longer want or can see that person as a friend anymore. Also he's moved on with me so he doesn't need another friend. He said and I agree once you are married your significant other is your friend, lover and everything else. Honestly it doesn't sound like you have completely move on. I could be wrong but it doesn't sound like you have. Part of the reason why you may not have moved on is that you are still in contact with his family. You don't have to take this advice but to make your life easier, Slowly drop the family. If you don't you will always be attached to him and you don't want that especially if you are getting married. You don't have to have that relationship so why hold on to it?
Oh wow, first of all thanx so much for the comments!!! So far ALL of you have given me a lot to ponder... Angles I'd never even considered. More than likely, I'll just slowly drop off from his family. As anonymous @ 12:16 said, I know for a fact I wouldn't want my fiance being "friends" with an ex he was involved with for that length of time. Especially if there's no child involved.
Very interesting topic. Personally, I think it would be extremely difficult to pull off a platonic friendship if there are still feelings there.
I am convinced by your post that you still have feelings for him....however, it's difficult to say what kind of feelings you have.
You must have loved him given the length of time you were together.........I think you need to question your inner dialogue and ask yourself what has happened to that love?
I wonder what the answer would be if he was to do the same thing? Given that he wasn't the one that ended, there is every chance that there are still feelings there which to me explains why he has refrained from contacting you!
You have made a significant commitment in your current relationship...........Therefore I believe any contact with one's ex comes with more downside than upside........I mean what exactly does your fiance get out of you having a platonic friendship with your ex?
How would you feel if he had a close friendship with his ex?
Ultimately, it would be great if you guys could rekindle that great friendship, however, it would be very difficult!
Let your fiance be your best friend. When you are married, you don't want ex's and old lovers popping up b/c that will inevitably drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Have you spoken to your fiance about it? I'm sure he doesn't care why your ex cut you off, and definitely won't want this guy in your life. Leave it be and enjoy your fiance and his friendship!
Maybe this is his way of breaking up...maybe he needs cold turkey. Some of us can linger afterwards and keep things separate mentally but maybe he knew the best way to get over you is to cut all ties. Since that is not your way it may seem hard to understand. But it could be as simple as that. He may not be connected to the whole best friend thing and the other things you are connected to emotionally.
Hmm, I am no psychiatrist, but I noticed a few subtle things: First, that he has a WIFE (your caps, not mine, lol). Sounds like you were surprised by this last week, right? is this when the need to figure out why he's cut off all communication with you became urgent? Also, if you barely talk to him why would you think that he isn't happy? And what does it matter if he is happy or not? I am agreeing with Solomon, there is something going on. Are you sure you still don't have feelings for him and "what could have been"? cold feet? a void in your life? Don't forget the good times you had with your ex, just try to create new good times with your future husband.
You will never know why he cut off communication unless you ask him - you can speculate all day and all night and will never know the answer. If you guys are over each other and recovered from the break-up, have a conversation. Sounds scary, doesn't it? LOL, have the conversation, try not to push the issue though - you guys don't have to be best friends again. Good luck!
I think you should let it go. While you and he had a great time in the past. It is just that - the past. Focus on your fiance and make him the priority and continue to move forward. He is focusing on his wife and is moving forward.
I believe that the "trying to be friends" thing is soooo over-rated. You can never really be "just friends" after all that you and he have been through. Sadly if it all possible, you may want to consider limiting your contact with his family as well. I am sure that does not help your situation.
I am not trying to be harsh or hard-hearted but the old memories will turn into long, deep conversations. Which can develop into a possible intimate connection that neither of you are able to pursue.
I'm really late to the conversation but really wanted to add my 2 cents. :-)
For the person who posed the question: I suggest you leave your ex alone. My fiance (now ex) broke up with me 3 months ago. I moved out after a week because I felt that I needed a clean break. Especially since I was not the one who initiated the breakup. I believe what I did was healthy for me. He has continued to send me emails and try to act like we are friends. He has told me he has no problem seeing mutual friends together, etc etc...basically, he wants to be friends.
I have not responded to any of his emails except for the ones where we settled monetary issues and the like. Why? Because there really is no point. We were together 5.5 years. I have to move on. It's hard, but I don't think I will get there being friends with him. Maybe this is how your ex thought. You're not together anymore and though you loved him once, his life is technically none of your concern. Your time has come and gone. You decided that you were not compatible so you should accept that. Your ex does not need to answer to you for anything in his life.
Also, as another poster said, please respect his need to cut off ties with you. I feel very disrespected by my ex's continued attempts to communicate with me. I feel such actions are very disrespectful because they are coming from a selfish point-of-view with no regards to my feelings. It is still about what HE wants.
If you think about it, you got what you want breaking up with him. Now you want him to do what you want and communicate with you. Let it go.
I plan to write about control and co-dependency on my blog at some point if you want to check it out: http://puregoldlady.blogspot.com/
You examine why you seem to want your ex in your life, especially since you are with someone else now.
I know just what your going thought. Its hard. Like me you dont want your ex back but you miss you best bud. The one you grew up. You know him so long he is part of you..... and the reason he cant talk to you is he still love you and cant talk to you even is only from time to time. He miss the old days just like you.. :)
Leave it be. move on.
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