I haven't gotten one of these emails in a while.. Let's see how we can help!
Dear HBS,
I have a 5 year old daughter who has a gorgeous head of natural hair. Her hair is thick and very coarse, I would probably describe it as a 4a/b type. I usually use coconut oil to twist her hair and/or braid it. Her hair is extremely difficult to manage and I usually do it while she is sleeping. The washing process is a nightmare! she's extremely tender-headed and I try to be as gentle as I can but it's sooo HARD. Doing her hair is a chore to say the least.
Here's the problem: I love her hair. Although mine is relaxed, I do not plan to relax hers. If she decides at 16 that she wants to relax it, then that will be her choice. My husband and his sisters are constantly threatening to relax her hair. It's to the point where I don't even trust her in their care. My husband and I have gotten into MANY arguments because he HATES her natural hair texture.
I'm at a loss here and don't know what to do- This one seemingly small issue is taking a major toll on both my daughter and my marriage.
Any advice will help.
Thank you,
Hair N. Turmoil
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24 comments:
Of course I say don't do it! I don't think relaxers should be placed on any child's head up to the age of 16, if they decide to. I think you should let your husband know that there is nothing wrong with your daughter's hair and that your hair keeps changing until you reach the age of 10. Also if the women who have relaxed hair in his family also have damaged hair along with it, I would ask him to take a look at their hair and ask if he wants his daughters head to have missing edges, chewed up ends.
if that doesn't work he can have a daughter/daddy day to the salon and have his hair relaxed with hers.
Sorry I wrote a lot.
This is a tough situation. I feel bad you are experiencing it. It is equally as sad that your husband seems to have such a disdain for the beauty of natural black hair. That is a WHOLE other issue in itself. It seems that his disdain is causing a big portion of the problem as he seems (from what I read as I don't know him) so fixated on that, that he isn't looking at what could possibly be best for your daughter.
I LOVE natural hair and would have to agree that 4a/4b hair can be hard to manage in it's strunken state. The coils are so small they often tangle.
Do you have a relative, friend or salon in your area that specializes in children's services or braids? This may be a good compromise. When I was younger and even sometimes now, my mom braided my hair in cornrows and they lasted anywhere from 2-3 weeks most times. It would possibly save some time and grief.
Try looking at some Youtube gurus and investing in products that have natural detanglers. They could help with the process. Investing in products that are more geared to black hair could help ease her pain and make the experience more pleasant for both of you. You maybe could even get her hair braided (with extentions) they have versions for children and that would last anywhere from 1-3 months.
I'd also say if you can, please speak with your husband earnestly and matter of factly telling him how you feel (focus on FEELING messages) and why the suggestion to relax bothers you. Let him know you don't oppose relaxers but feel black natural hair is beautiful and that you'd like to let her know from an early age that ALL of her is okay! Beautiful even!!! (Because she is!!!) Then tell him that you will give her that option but don't want to risk the worst possible senerio which is severly damaging her hair with her being so young and don't want to cause damage that can't be reversed.
I am praying that this situation bring you all closer! Perhaps he can learn something about the beauty of black hair in this process! I fear your daughter developing a hatred for who she is... naturally. I pray that you guys make it through okay! I'm sure you will!
Blessings and pray it works out!
Deborah Estelle
This is awful. She is 5. You need to give him facts on the dangers of relaxers. I would not relax my child's hair for nothing in this world.
when will it end, that father should be ashamed of himself, bt like the person above said let him get his hair straighten as well. He may have a different view when he feels the burn of the lye.
Hair N. Turmoil,
I would start by changing your view of your daughter's hair. If you view her hair/maintenance negatively, no doubt your daughter will, especially if her hair is causing marital disagreements (which is a whole other issue, I'll have to use another comment for it). Also, do not relax your daughters hair. I feel that 5 years old is too young for even a child relaxer.
To make managing her hair a better experience and especially since she has a tender scalp, I'd review what tools and methods you are using. Try this process for detangling and washing her hair: 1. Put in her favorite dvd/give her favorite books/toys to keep her entertained. 2. Get a towel, a shower comb and a comb with various widths, large bottle of cheap conditioner (like suave naturals coconut), spray bottle with water, hair clips/scrunci's. 2. Starting at the front/side, take a manageable section of loose hair (clipping the rest out of the way) and spray with water (or spray whole head of hair with water til lightly damp), then take a quarter size or what ever amount will saturate the section of hair.
3. Start by using the shower comb at the end of the section and work your way to her scalp, taking care not to hold the section of hair tightly away from her head. Then switch to a smaller toothed comb using it the same way.
4. Two strand twist the section and move on to the rest of her hair.
5. Once her head is full of twists, rinse her hair. You can shampoo her hair in the twists as well and then use your normal conditioner in twists(I personally don't use shampoo to clarify - get rid of build up. I use 1Tbsp baking soda per 20 bottle (used soda bottle) of warm water. Which I just pour onto scalp and then scrub as normal for a few minutes and then rinse very well. I follow this with an ACV rinse of the same proportions poured onto hair and waiting a few minutes, then rinsing well. Following that up with conditioning)
6. Towel dry hair until it's still just damp, then add a leave in conditioner to the twists and seal with a shea butter mix or favorite oil.
7. I'd recommend that you place a plastic cap and wrap her hair over night, then the next day you give her a braided style that can last a week or two until you take those out and detangle and wash again. Or you can take the twists out and put her hair into a style.
I know this seems like a lot to do, but once you get used to it, the whole detangling and washing process can be done in short amount of time. I hope this helps with managing your daughter's hair.
in addition to what the other ladies have said here, i suggest you also prepare a "response package" for him *not his sisters.*
this package should include: a. all the scientific info on what the chemicals do to the hair and body, and include pics. i think 'the natural haven' blog has some good resources for this. this will go a long way in showing why you want her to wait-you two are responsible for her health and well being.
b. collect a series of natural hair photos and possibly also hair stories. there is a little girl whose styles are regulrly featured around the hair blogs. this would be a good start.
also, while im not suggesting you sideline your sisters in law, they are not the child's mother. they should not be allowed to influence decisions that could have negative health implications for your child. your husband needs to understand this.
at the end of the day, dont let this break down your family.
I can empathize with you in this situation. I too encounter these issues with my 4 year old and her father and his family. It will continue be a struggle. I became natural and hopefully this sends a positive message to my daughter. All you can do is fight back with positive images of "us" and our hair.
TOO YOUNG! If you need help on detangling her natural hair, you should hold the base of the hair while you detangle to avoid pulling of the hair and scalp.
Go to youtube and put happygirlhair into the search engine. Lots of advice on how to care for type 4 hair on a child.
What a stressful situation for you all! I too have relaxed hair, but would never condone relaxing a child's hair. It breaks my heart when I see young babies with thinning hair and receding hairlines because their parents "couldn't manage" their hair. Even if it "looks healthy" - I think anyone under the age of 14 is way too young to chemically alter their hair.
It seems like your best bet is to approach your husband with logic. Let him know how harmful chemical relaxers are, how they destroy young babies' hair, and why the risks are worse than his perceived benefits.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/55623/ten_reasons_not_to_buy_lye_or_no_lye.html?cat=69
http://www.thedefendersonline.com/2009/12/18/chemical-relaxers-the-facts-might-not-be-so-relaxing/
He may counter w/how good your hair looks, or how this one or that one has a relaxer and is fine; but stand your ground. There is a difference between a young child's hair and an adult's hair. You may need to show him real-life examples of the detrimental effects for him to get it. Perhaps talk about your own experience and how you don't want her to go through that - especially not at such a tender age.
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-tyra-banks-has-no-business-discussing-how-black-hair-affects-self-estee/
Then I would broach the topic of the psychological effects relaxing could have on your daughter. Let him know that her self-esteem is formed around the things she hears mommy and daddy saying about her (and yourselves/each other) at home. She should never be told or overhear that her hair is horrible. She should be told that her hair is beautiful; and she should be taught how to take care of it.
You may need to change the products that you are using until you find the one that works best for your princess. If money permits, do take her to the hairdresser to have her hair washed and braided. But I certainly would not suggest extensions. To me, seeing a child w/extensions is just as hurtful as seeing one w/a relaxer - their hair is being detrimentally damaged and they're being taught that the hair that grows out of their head is not good enough.
Have a similar talk w/your in-laws as you would w/your husband. Let them know in no uncertain terms that this is your child and they do not have the right or the permission to chemically alter and damage her hair -- or her self-esteem! And if you feel that seriously about leaving her alone w/them - don't!! Prevention is better than cure!!
And don't be afraid to talk to your daughter from now about personal boundaries and what ppl (including fam) are not allowed to do to her - including relaxin her hair. You can teach her to stand up for herself w/out being disrespectful. This will also be a good way to open up the conversation about hair and self-love with her.
Meanwhile, I suggest picking up some books (or taking your daughter to the library) that celebrate Black beauty in all its forms.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Hair-Natasha-Anastasia-Tarpley/dp/0316523755/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Candidly - This is an issue of ignorance. It is not fair that the parents' ignorance is foisted upon the child. I think the parents (both of you) really need to educate yourselves.
I would recommend visiting a site like HappyGirlHair.com to see examples of how children's hair should be taken care of.
Both parents are at fault. The father for obvious reasons, the mother because you say 'her hair is a chore.' Do you comb her hair gently with a wide tooth comb in manageable sections? Do you comb her hair wet and soaked in conditioner? Her tenderhead may disappear if you treat her hair gently.
I am harsh with this comment because frankly there is so much information out there on how to easily maintain natural hair.
If both parents took responsibility then there would be more learning and less blaming.
Even if you ignore everything I said because it is harsh, at least go to HappyGirlHair.com
Whoa... that is the first thing ill say because he has the gall to even suggest a relaxer for a child. I'm so sorry to say but hon your husband is ignorant, misinformed and apparently misguided by his sisters. Maybe he should read this which i saw a few months back on another blog.... To me its real sad that a man of another race appreciates our natural hair more and is willing to take the time to care for it better than some of our own.. SMH
http://bglhonline.com/2009/07/real-love-white-father-of-adopted-ethiopian-girl-learns-to-do-her-hair-and-it-looks-on-point/
Ask your husband why he feels like his daughter should have straight hair. Maybe he has some hang-ups about hair texture. Perhaps both of you can find some common ground. You'll definitely need this when you deal with your sisters-in-law. If they see that you and your husband are a united front, then they'll ease up on pushing the relaxers.
Also let your husband know how much damage it will cause if you start relaxing a your child's hair. "Kiddie perms" are just a dangerous. There are so many beautiful natural (and pressed) styles for our little girls that it doesn't make sense for them to get relaxers.
Besides, most little girls that I know who've been getting relaxers since the toddler years are nearly bald-headed now...and I'm sure that neither of you want that!
I will say at least, thank you for trying to figure out how to do her hair properly.
Try this site: http://www.youtube.com/user/Katelynylyn.
A white woman adopted two little African girls and honey, their hair is so LAID! These babies have the flyest hair I have ever seen. They both have 4a/b hair and there are never any tears when she shows how to do their hair.
Also please note, that your daughter's hair is not difficult to manage, you just don't know what you are doing. But kudos to you for trying to figure it out. Once you do, I doubt that you will hear any complaints from your husband or anybody else!
Blessings!
Try some different styles...she's too young for a relaxer...Here's a site with age appropriate styles.....
http://www.beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com/
This was a good question to post. Yes, she is too young for a relaxer. Her hair follicles are still growing and putting the chemicals on year after year will damage her scalp (there is no such thing as a "kiddie perm" it is the same chemicals). There are other solutions!
His sisters? His SISTERS?? His *sisters* are threatening to do WHAT to your baby's head? ::Breathe::
Oh chile PLEASE tell me a knock knock joke next. Seriously. All this BET has made Black people crazy. Chile, please go tell this man and his loca sisters to plant some flowers, make some collard greens, sketch some clouds, dust a table. Something. Because for the life of me, I cannot understand why these people are trying to chemically alter something on the body of a 4 year old (particularly when they're not the ones doing her hair.) When I first saw this, I thought the mom would be the one who had had enough of the baby's hair (since she was the one doing it) and the dad (who was sitting there chillin and who hadn't touched the child's head since the day she was born) was all No No No. Over my dead body. But these people who aint doing jack don't have jack to say. Next. His sisters. Smh
I think that if the mom is permed and the daughter is not - there is a bit of a contradiction. I'm not really understanding the issue with considering a relaxer maybe a little later (5 may be a little young but I wouldn't be so strict as to say 16 would be the decisive age either) OR she should look into a better product to deal with the child's very coarse natural hair when this is the situation.
Although I am a permed woman who appreciates both permed and natural hair, I'm NOT taking the position the daughter needs to definitely get permed BUT Mom definitely needs to try a different tactic and/or process to doing her daughter's hair. I am just putting myself in the child's position. It's a painful process and instead of enjoying the hair she has, she could become resentful of it.
There have been some really good suggestions made for natural hair in the past so maybe Mom can check those out and get products that will soften and make the hair more manageable and above all else, less stressful for all involved.
Regardless, I hope this is something they can resolve quickly.
-Rain
Don't do it. My hair was relaxed at a young age before I was six, I believe. I went totally natural when I was twenty. My hair was quite unhealthy because of the split ends and the thinning of my hair.
If your husband's sisters touch your child's head, it is my extreme opinion that you are well within your rights to assist in the corruption of their child whether it's through hair care or otherwise (birth control always does the trick).
Tell them this an see what happens.
Hammurabi's code is a beast.
@ Sweetydarling72 --- re: the contradiction if mom's hair is relaxed, you do understand relaxers are chemicals placed on a 5 year old's head, right? We call them "relaxers" but we need to call them chlorodymicrobe phopshate 80 or something scientific so we can get the true essence of what we're dealing with and remember it's something closer to Liquid Plummer than it is to cotton candy.
I'm not trying to be facetious but with all the slick advertising we see today, often we seem to forget what we're dealing with. These people slap "strawberry" on Raid like Raid is not poison...it might smell like berries while it's killing everything in sight in your house (like that's supposed to somehow make you feel better) but you're handling a product whose job it is to kill.
Black women develop cancers at rates unlike anyone else in this country/hemispere --- male or female. The body of a 5 year old is wide open.
Her body is growing and changing rapidly. It's not a question of "beauty style." We're not talking about the body/head/brain of Mom who we can safely assume is 21 or older. The child's hormones/immune system/ blood stream are far more susceptible to the toxins of outside forces. This is why children are not permitted to take certain medications or go to tanning salons or go on fad diets. Their bodies aren't made for all that torture adults inflict on themselves and survive. No, this is not a cosmetic issue at all. It is a medical issue. And we need to wake up and see why we're dying at record rates. Oh. And for the record (full disclaimer) my hair was relaxed for years. But not as a 5 year old.
So much has been said above that I do not feel the need to add much more. However, I do urge you to follow through on your gut instincts and do what is best for your daughter.
I also hope the father is not arguing about her hair in front of her as this could really form some self esteem issues regarding how men see her beauty. Inform him that if he, as her father, cannot accept her natural beauty, she is susceptible to thinking that she must also alter her authentic self for approval from other men as well. Then where will such insecurities end? This is a disaster in the making. I have a feeling it goes beyond her natural hair.
Shouldn't a father's love cover the superficial things such as hair texture?
Here is a blog that I admire that could help you: http://beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com/
God bless and I sent a pray up for you and your family :)
I agree with you, you shouldn't put chemicals on a young child head. You husband has issues with natural hair that need to be adressed.
I see that you do as well. You shouldn't view your daughter's hair as a chore. Having tiny coils hair is a gift, and you shouldn't have such an negative attitude.
The styling methods you are using may be making your daughter hair 'difficult as well'. There is no such thing as hard to manage hair, it is because you are doing it wrong. There is no such thing as 'ethnic' hair, hair is hair.
Did you ever try co-washing, or using conditioner. Did you ever try banding wet to stretch the hair out as well?
Here's a good site:
http://beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com/
I wish you well.
I don't have anything significant to add that hasn't already been said in regards to the child and the father. But I think people are getting too sensitive about her choice of words.
She never once calls her child's hair ethnic. She stated clearly that she loves her child's natural hair. She mentions how gorgeous it is.
Any child's hair, or any hair for that matter, can be a chore. That doesn't mean she loves it any less. Natural hair requires dedication and love, something the mother must have if she's even bothering to argue with her husband over it. And she does mention that her child is tender-headed. Making a child's hair isn't easy, so I can sympathize with her on that point.
So go ahead Mrs Turmoil, be encouraged and determined. I appreciate the efforts you're making and would encourage you to test different techniques when working on your child's hair. A lot of good advice and links have been offered.
While I am saddened to hear you calling your daughter's hair a "chore", I commend you (especially as a woman with a relaxer) for fighting to keep your baby all-natural. As for your husband, I sense serious self-hate and hair texture issues-so much so that I wonder if he'd be with you if he'd gotten a glimpse of your natural texture before marriage. Not to make the man seem extra-shallow, but his behavior has already done that. His child is 5 years old, and whether she's 5 or 50, as her father, he needs to appreciate everything that she is, especially since he and your genetics are the cause of it. Now, as far as the meddling aunts are concerned, do not trust them for a second! This is your child and your issues with your husband about her hair are enough of a hassle without their involvement and/or scheming to relax her hair. As someone above mentioned, point out to your husband how damaged relaxed hair is, in general, and use his relaxed family members as well as your own as examples close to home; after all, she got her natural texture from both sides. Either way, relaxers are dangerous to so much more than hair and he needs to be made aware of this. Check out happygirlhair.com or beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com for hair ands styling advice. Trust me, these little girls hair is soo cute, natural, and hassle-free. Enjoy your daugthers hair and teach your husband to do the same!
I have relaxed, colour treated hair and the Shielo Hydrate Conditioner is fantastic to use after both of those processes. Nice smell. I use it with each shampoo. Love this product!
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